If you're from Alabama, you've said this once, twice, or daily.
I grew up in rural Alabama, and it shows. Before coming to a major university, I didn't know I had an accent, and I had no idea why people couldn't understand some of the things I said. Turns out, I use southern slang and phrases more than I realized. So, buckle your britches and hold on tight because we're about to get country fried up in here.
1. "Colder than a brass toilet seat on the shady side of an iceberg."
I once used this to describe a snow day to my roommate who is from Rhode Island. I know it was only around 32 degrees, but I was certain that I was near death.
2. "Scared the living daylights out of me."
This basically means I am scared. Max level scared. Like on a scale of one to ten, it's a thirteen and some change.
3. "I wouldn't trust her/him to cook Poke Salad."
Poke Sallet, often referred to as "Poke Salad," is a southern dish made from a poisonous plant called Pokeweed that goes wild in many southern states. If you don't prepare the weed correctly, it can cause those who consume it to become seriously ill. So, this saying basically means, "I don't have a problem with her/him, but I wouldn't trust her/him with my life."
4. "I've eaten crow before, and I guess I'll do it again."
"Eating crow" is admitting defeat.
5. "I'll be on directly."
This means you'll arrive soon.
6. "We need to have a 'Come to Jesus' meeting."
You don't want to suffer through a "Come to Jesus" meeting, ever. Basically, it means you're about to get an ear-full or worse regarding your actions.
7. "He's only jawing."
Jawing is basically talking for no reason. Don't jaw. It's unbecoming.
8. "He's just talking to hear himself."
Similar to jawing. This means you're talking to sound smart or just to have something to say that lacks any merit.
9. "Crazier than a run-over dog."
Basically, whoever you're talking about in this instance is crazier than a dog that's been run over by a car. And let me tell you, they're crazy.
10. "Faster than greased lightning."
Lighting is fast right? Like ba link, and you'll miss it fast. So now add some slippery Crisco and you have greased lightning. It's faster than the speed of light because it has the extra grease. At least, that's the logic behind this saying. It just means whatever you're referring to is really fast, OK?
11. "Well, butter my biscuits."
A declaration of happy surprise, or maybe as a sarcastic surprise. It's all in the delivery.
12. "Grinnin' like a possum."
Have you seen a possum "grin"? They have a big ole smile.
13. "Sweatin' like a hooker in church."
I mean, I guess she's uncomfortable. IDK.
14. "Well, aren't you precious?"
Unless this is used by an elderly woman who is referring to a child, this is as sarcastic as they come. Like if an adult says this to another adult, they may be on the verge of fighting. It's sarcasm in its most pure form.
15. "Blinder than a bat."
It means the person you're referring to has bad vision. I think bats can actually see, but we don't mess with sacred sayings such as this.
16. "I'll light a fire under your tail."
This either means you're about to get a spanking or be put under some serious pressure if something is not done.
17. "Pitch a fit."
The equivalent of "throwing a tantrum."
18. "Gooder 'n' grits."
This means "better than" grits. Or whatever y'all eat up there, maybe oatmeal?
19. "Well, she ain't no saint neither."
Throwing blame away from yourself the southern way, with double negatives.
20. "Makes about as much sense as using a driving a truck with only three wheels."
The plan makes no sense.
21. "Shinier than a new penny."
It's really shiny, OK? New pennies are so shiny, and for whatever reason, every grandparent in the south has a minor obsession with pennies.