The postmodern world in which we dwell is a world of anxiety, complexity, and uncertainty. But anxiety is often a direct result of increasingly uncertain circumstances. And in that anxiety is a need to control. We try to control ourselves, we control other people, and we try to control other people we're around. Everyone has the need to control, but how that need manifests itself is different in everyone.

And in my personal life, that manifestation of control has come in very distructive ways. I have the need to always feel good and not feel pain. I have a need to always be productive, and work too much all the time. I have a need to be loyal to my family and friends to a fault (but I'll argue that that need is an issue). I have a need to pursue happiness, even if the standard I'm trying to achieve is unattainable.

But I'll often find that the times I feel most at peace and joy are when I surrender and give up that need to control everything, and recently I've been better at it than I ever have. Yes, there are times my natural conditioned tendencies overtake me, but part of being a Christian and believing in a benevolent God means that I am not in the driver's seat in my life. God is, and everything will work out according to his plan. Psalm 46:10 tells us to "be still, and know that I am God." Philippians 4:6 tells us to "not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be known to God."

I don't care if I go to the grave with that knowledge being false. There are many things in life that are unexplainable, and needing to have answers and that are frankly just not within our realm of control. I find myself at much more peace with my life knowing that no, I wasn't meant to be happy all the time. I wasn't meant to have everything together. I don't need to be in safe or certain situations. And that's OK, because there's a plan outside of all this.

"Trust God, no matter what," I tell myself possibly a million times a day. I find this mentality to manifest itself greatly in my interpersonal relationships and interactions. I won't internally snap or be as passive-aggressive in my impatience. I find myself to be significantly more patient and willing to wait. I don't find the need to fix people as much, because God is at work in their lives, and inserting myself too much means that I am trying to be God.

That trust and surrendering of control especially helps me and needs to happen in times when life isn't going as we like or plan. Say something doesn't go well in a relationship, with work, or I get a bad grade. Naturally, I have the urge to take the wheel from God and overcompensate to try to ameliorate a situation according to my plans. That does not mean that I'm happy or even grateful for every hurdle that is thrown in my direction. At times, I'll even be resentful. The point isn't that things go the way I want them to because I believe, it's that I believe things are right even when things don't go the way I want to.

In spite of those feelings and outcomes, the point is that I think about God, pray, and just turn to God more often in these times. I don't have to take out my anger in subtle ways on my close friends. I don't have to have every part of my schedule completely planned. I can take risks. I can go off track and indulge in something more meaningful than I was doing. And that's the word that is especially important: meaning. Nowadays I'm drawn to the activities and things that seem the most meaningful, even if those things aren't the things on paper that are the most important.

Biologically speaking, I'm acting more on being drawn to the people. places. and activities that bring me a feeling of awe, which according to Sarah DiGiulio of NBCNews, is "an emotion we feel in response to something vast that defies our existing frame of reference." I'm more able to venture forward and process things that don't fit my current understanding of the world, or be in situations where I'm uncomfortable. Awe draws us to novel situations, and evolutionary scientist, Amie Gordon, claims that awe helps us maintain social harmony. Feeling a part of a bigger puzzle, feeling humbled, and having the desire to be with others is part of the reason that humans have lived collectively and in societies.

So I will endeavor, every day, to relinquish control, and relinquish the need to control. I'll let go of the wheel and leave it to God. Maybe it's all in my head, and externally I'm still living my life and going about my business the same way. Most people in my daily life most likely won't be able to tell any difference in my actions and behavior. But that doesn't matter, because to me, letting go of control means being free, and finally being at peace.