Someone came up to me the other day and asked if I wanted to take a two-minute survey and in return, I'll get a $5 Starbucks gift card and me being the broke, tired college student that I am, I said I'll take it. We talked about healing and where I think it comes from. After that, the guy asked me if any part of my body physically hurt and if so, where. I told him that my ankle does because I sprained it a few months ago. He told me to move it until it hurt and I did then he said just to sit for a couple of seconds and not do anything. After the few seconds were over, he asked me to move my ankle again until it hurt and I couldn't find the pain. I know what you're thinking, it was a mind game and having me sit there for those few seconds made me forget about my pain but to my surprise, he told me that he had prayed for my ankle. He then proceeded to tell me about his own pain with himself and his wife and how hiding from Jesus wouldn't help as much as I'd like to think.
This conversation got me thinking. It got me thinking about my pain, all of it not just physically but spiritually and mentally and I was hurting a lot. I knew before that I was hurting a lot but I was also hiding it from God which was making it so much worse.
I am holding onto my pain because it gives me control. If I surrender it all, I don't know what's going to happen and keeping my hurt to myself at least gives me the knowledge of what's going on with it. The bad thing about this is that I'm being chained down. I am not allowing myself to grow because I won't let go. The song Peace by Josh Baldwin and Bethel Music sings "There is freedom laying all my worries at Your feet again even in my struggle I'm surrendering Your peace won't let me go." I want to able to know the freedom being sung about and know what His peace feels like.
I need to learn to stop hiding and keeping my pain from God. I need to learn that I am not alone. I need to learn that He is always with me even if He is just sitting outside waiting for me to get my crap together. I need to learn that He will never leave me and nothing is too small to Him. He is always listening. I also need to learn to listen to Him when I surrender my pain.