Ephesians 6:10-11 - "Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might. Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil." KJV
I grew up in what most would call a "perfect" family situation. My dad served as a God-fearing factory worker and my mom as an elementary school teacher. They were blessed with two girls...three years apart...both stubborn as mules…a fun sibling relationship as you can imagine.
Nearly all of my life was consumed with wonderful family time and I am left with many memories to prove it. I even had a once spectacular relationship with a guy I was certain I was going to marry and create this family of my own with. I graduated high school with honors, received an academic scholarship to the school that I wanted and was blessed with an outstanding archery career that will live with me forever. However, my "perfect" life crashed when I was 18 years old. Just before I headed off to college my dad passed away from cancer, and my family of three soon packed up and moved from the house and community that built me.
Even more serious change was soon to head my way. I was expected to go out on my own and know how to mature as an adult after so much pain had been put in my life. My happiness had faded and I no longer had the strive to succeed like I once did.
I was numb, and I did not have any ONE reason for it.
I was soon diagnosed with depression and anxiety in my first semester of college...and ADHD in the following year. These illnesses are not only gained from traumatic experiences in life, but also influenced very heavily by genetics...how wonderful (thanks, Mom LOL).
There is nothing more humiliating than multiple 2:00 am phone calls to someone you love because of a panic attack that keeps you from your sleep.
There is no satisfaction in procrastinating homework until the last second because fear of failure and crying are the only things that are going to make you do it.
There is no worse feeling than being told by your significant other that the medication you are on "may not be working," and that you should just go back to the doctor because of your mood swings.
There is no worse friendship than the one you can not keep because of the crippling fear of losing them once they find out just how "crazy" you really are.
There is no such thing more helpless than trying to explain your feelings about yourself on a piece of paper at the therapy clinic to be able to see a clinician about these so called "problems."
There is no more remorse that you can feel towards your family, friends and God after plotting ideas in your head for months on end about killing yourself, even if you never planned on acting on them.
THIS IS REAL. Real people that actually enjoy life still feel these emotions.
However, you can not let it define you, like I have done in the past.
My mom has always firmly believed in the fact that some people come into your life as a lesson, while others finally come to be your blessing.
Some things that I have learned the hard way through my "blessing lessons" are:
- You can only grieve so long before it completely controls your life.
- You can only change another person into the way you want them to be if they are wearing diapers.
- You can only fake a smile so long before it becomes noticeable through actions.
- Most importantly, you can only pretend to be okay until you lose yourself completely.
I am building my life again by SUITING UP...not by putting my guard up for the people I need the most, but by taking up the armour of God and letting him take the pain that I have from this world. I can not do this by myself, but God can.