The understanding of my depression, well sort of.
Start writing a post
Health and Wellness

The understanding of my depression, well sort of.

struggling in silence.

The understanding of my depression, well sort of.
For as long as I can remember, I have always been a happy, cheerful, and positive little girl. For a while that was the case. That being said, I can honestly say my world shifted in 2015.

When i was in High School I feel like I just went through the motions. Yes, I had friends, did social things outside of school, even won prom queen. That was a pretty cool feeling. As long as I can remember I've been brought up in a loving home and in church. My parents have always been there for me and I know they always will. I cannot be more blessed, I know that. But why did I continue to feel unhappy and miserable? Why did I continue to feel like giving up?

In my head, I was that girl who was always sad, nervous, and just plain out different. I worried about everything, whether it was big or small. I constantly fought with myself. Holding every emotion and feeling inside. I have to admit that I let what others thought about me drag me down. I struggled for a long time alone. Pushing my feelings to the back burner. It wasn't that important. The struggles will get better, I thought.

There come's a point where you just simply can't do it on your own.

Photography by Alex Lane

When I was at my lowest, I felt like it was unfair to be around others feeling how I felt. I distanced myself from a lot of people. Became a bad friend to those who cared for me because I was hurting. I lost everything about myself that I actually enjoyed. I quit dance, lost people that I cared about. At first I thought in order to get better was to change who I was. So I began searching, truth is, I was searching for something I was never going to find without help.

The moment I thought I would be okay was only the beginning. I quickly learned that medicine was not going to be the answer to my problems. Sure, I had good and bad times but overall the medicine and my attitude were now causing more issues for me. I was embarrassed for taking medicine. I tried stopping cold turkey, my best advice is not to try that lol. It's when I'm at my complete lowest that I learn a little bit more about myself. I've always been a people pleaser, always been the "sweet" girl. It’s taken me twenty years to actually realize the basics of self understanding. No-one is perfect. People change. Heck, even Satan was an angel at first. I don't blame people for leaving me because we all know it sucks feeling like you're not helping someone who needs help. But I do cherish the people who have stuck with me throughout my bad times. Even though you may feel it, you slowly you lose contact with people in your life, it's life I'm learning that's how it goes.

Thoughts that I needed to talk, needed to get out of my bed, hang with friends, go to the gym, anything to be honest were always floating around. It's not so much what all you do to get help that actually helps. I've learned accepting that you do need help is the first and main step in the process.

Being depressed to me is like being scared of an object in the dark, even if you turn the light off, the object is still there.

My mom is the reason I'm still here today. It really is a scary statement. i've heard phrases like "people who commit suicide are selfish". To be real with you, I used to think so too. Until you've truly truly been there, you shouldn't say that. To share a deep dark secret with you, I've been to that point. I've been in a place where I have thought, I'm scared to end my life on my own but I do want to die. Driving down the road with thoughts like I would be okay crashing my car. i really can't tell you how scary that is. When I hear people talk about suicide, it's a tough subject, it really is. It's the darkest place you can be. Recently, I've realized that I'm going to have to work really hard to get better and be an inspiration to others. There's so much room to grow and realizing that has helped me. Also realizing the people who have stuck with me through this journey are the people I owe a lot too.

My mom has been telling me for about three years now, "Hannah, maybe you're getting put through this to someday help others". I'm not writing this searching for sympathy, I'm writing this for one reason. If I can help one person by reading this, then it's worth putting my secret out there. It's the scariest feeling being in that dark place but it's harder to actually admit you're not going to be able to get through it on your own. I hope and pray that the people out there who are struggling in silence receive help. i've been there, I know it is an unimaginable feeling but you can get through it. Take the scary jump and ask for help. Don't listen to people who aren't in your position. Do what's best for you and only you. I used to get selfishness mixed up with self care, you need to be selfish in this life. well, sometimes.

Until you've been in that dark place, you shouldn't judge someone's hurting thoughts.

Depression and Anxiety has been the toughest and still my worst nightmare. I know I'm not the only one and I have to be hopeful for others on their own journey as well. I'm still working on myself but I took the first step and am 100% okay with the fact that I do need help getting through this. Okay, I should have warned you before you started reading that this might not be the most cheerful read ever but it's a glimpse of my story. Like I said, I hope it can help at least one person struggling out there afraid to take the next time in healing.

It's okay not to be okay. It's okay to ask for help.

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

Let me just say, first and foremost, happy Thanksgiving! This holiday is known as a time for families to get together, to be thankful for the blessings in our lives, and to dig into a lot of very delicious food that you'll be having as leftovers for the next week. However, this family time is certainly not without downsides, as we are forced to confront certain family members on matters that should best be left out of Thanksgiving discussion, and in my case, this happens to be my father, who is the only republican in our family (that I know of).

(FYI: Since I still live with my dad, it's not just Thanksgiving when I'm forced to listen to him talk about politics, as I had gotten a taste of where he stands just from earlier this year alone.)

Keep Reading... Show less
Peter Truong

If you still have not figured out what you want to cook on Thanksgiving, baked macaroni and cheese is something worth considering. It is simple, affordable, and delicious. I have had many different types of baked mac and cheese and most are dry. I do not like a dry mac and cheese, it just does not seem appealing to me. If you like the creamy cheesy essence of mac and cheese, look no further, this recipe is for you.


Keep Reading... Show less

As a first-year college student, I've been doing a lot of meeting and introducing myself to people, often with the classic format of "name, hometown, major".

Keep Reading... Show less
Health and Wellness

This Simple 7-Step DIY Face Mask Combines Safety — And Sustainability

Instead of studying like I intended on doing today, I made a face mask for some reason and thought I'd share how I did.


If you were looking for a simple way to make a mask, I am happy to share how I personally make them. I have a pretty small face in general, so I prefer having my homemade ones so they fit better. This is also a great alternative to just throwing away any clothes! Before starting, you will need to make sure you have fabric, thread, a needle, and pins; if you have a sewing machine, you obviously could use that instead of hand sewing it.

Keep Reading... Show less
Student Life

6 Ways To Handle The Stress Of Earning Your Degree From Your Childhood Bedroom

Oh so this was the room where I snuck cookies upstairs past my bedtime and stole R-Rated movies to watch when my parents were asleep and now I'm expected to earn my degree in this very same room?

Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash

It's definitely not easy, but it's something so many kids are struggling with right now.

Keep Reading... Show less

November is such an underrated month. With all the excitement that comes with Halloween ending and the holiday season around the corner, some people skip over it and go straight to their Christmas playlist. For me though, November is the perfect time to compile a playlist of songs that bring on major nostalgia which I think is perfect for this time of year. If you're looking for something to get you in that thankful spirit before you head into the Christmas spirit or something to play while you enjoy Friendsgiving, here are some go-to songs to add to your November playlist.

Keep Reading... Show less

Taylor Swift is famous for her Easter eggs on social media that hint at what is coming next for her. Over the past few days, fans noticed a change in Swift's hair when she was accepting her win as Apple's songwriter of the year that was reminiscent of the "Red" era. Of course, this has caused widespread speculation that Swift has begun to re-record her masters.

Keep Reading... Show less

While joyful, the holiday season can also be stressful for many and that's A-O.K. Plus, with the added tension that is 2020, this year's holiday season is a lot, to put it simply.

This is your reminder to put yourself first and listen to what you're yearning for. Deep down, you know what you need to thrive and I know that you can get there.

Keep Reading... Show less
Facebook Comments