I am anxious about this.
I mean, it is not as though this is some monumental revelation. I am always anxious, waiting on the next box on my to-do list to appear, unchecked and wreaking havoc on my brain as I attempt to sleep, eat a meal, relax, do my other work.
I am always anxious when faced with these things.
Maybe it is a crucial application for a position I very much want to earn. Maybe it is a request for a letter of recommendation I can't seem to work my way out of nerves to send. Maybe it is a deadline for course registration that I've been attempting to tune for months. Maybe it's any sitting across from me, pasted on this flickering computer screen and fidgeting nervously back in my direction every time I attempt to progress. Maybe it's all of these. Deadlines and due dates weave their way in and out of my brain, hiding behind swells of personal emotional struggles, in the shadows of even larger projects to which I must attend, amongst the whispered thoughts of relational matters that require my immediate attention. Past me always seem to have an excuse to burden future me with the workload. Future me bites down stress as I stare into the void of my flickering computer screen, fending off the urge to scream with one hand and typing generally empty thoughts with the other.
Why is it always the things most important to me that cause me to halt the fastest? Why is it that the assignments that I am the most desperate to complete make my blood run the coldest? Why am I stopped in my place by electronic obstacles, agonizing for so long over how to complete them perfectly that stress shuts down my brain for another day and says "Try again tomorrow"? Deadlines and due dates always seem to get the best of me.
But I don't want that anymore.
I have faced a swarm of personal, social, academic, you-name-it trials which have sent my past semester sprinting off and left me behind. I have hit my breaking point. I have buried myself in pillows and browser windows, let procrastination seep into my veins, forgotten what "carpe diem" means as I watch my time turn into yet another yesterday.
I am anxious, yes. I want it to be for a different reason than because I let myself slip on something important. I want this to be the time when I set aside the struggles that were bringing me down in exchange for a change of pace.
The desire to put off work has unfortunately always enticed. It teaches the lesson of discipline and mocks the nap-taking me into genuine thought for my future. But I have come to realize that this has gotten to the point where these things have begun to make me afraid. I fear I can't do them well, so why do them? Or I know I have no faith in myself, so why try? I forced myself to face the fact that I have begun to put off things because the pattern of my own stress-induced ignorance is making me doubt my work.
I might be rather dumb, objectively speaking. I might not be as capable as someone else. I might not get the position I was going for. I might not pass the test. I might not have the time. I might not be who I want to be. But I cannot know unless I try. I do not want to allow these deadlines to keep me doubting myself and sending me spiraling into a mindset of self-deprecation. I might not be the best. I know I won't ever be perfect. But no one can ever convince me I'm not enough. I might get a hit and I might miss. I might get hit. I don't know what's coming. But I know that these insignificant little electronic obstacles cannot stop me from trying my hardest and getting on the right track.
I won't let these due dates stop me. They might be daunting (not a might, they will definitely be daunting), but the least I can do is give my all.
No more pity. No more excuses. I'm writing this to hold myself to it. I might be scared of the timeline, of feeling like I am unprepared. But I can and will see things through to the end.