I feel my gun shake as a bomb explodes, again. I can hear the cries of wounded men looking for any kind of help, anything just to make it out alive. I lie flat on my stomach, wide awake and not capable of remembering the last time I blinked. My finger is calmly pressed against the trigger just waiting for my next shot to ring out. The fact that I am calm makes me more nervous than anything. At this moment in time I realized I've gotten too comfortable behind a gun and having the capability to kill. I guess that’s what happens when you've been here for so long. I didn’t come here to get comfortable, I came here for the experience and to defend my country.
As a soldier it is your duty to have a brave face, to defend your country, and to be proud as hell but man, I couldn’t tell you how many times I've rethought signing up for another tour. I know I shouldn’t really say that and I am happy to be serving my country but I'm ready to move on to other things, ready to experience different places in the world. I feel like I say this every time I come back. It's just that when I go back to the states I see the ignorance to what is going on, no one acts like there are thousands of men risking their lives for us, every single day. Except this time, it's real; I just want to go home.
Ever since I was a young man I wanted to travel, to see things not everyone has the opportunity to. I wanted to go places not many have, I wanted to eat different cultural concoctions, and hear the contrast of going from a city to a nature preserve or mountain top. This is what I craved, the feeling of fresh air in my lungs and not being cramped up behind some desk in a school building or office.
Whenever I meet someone new the first thing they ask me is "Why did you join the army?" In the beginning it was easy to answer, "To defend the country I love" I never even had to think about it, but nowadays it's harder. Don’t get me wrong, I love the fact I got the opportunity to do this but I want to move on, do something else with my life. Throughout my time here I received adventure, diversity, and definitely had moments that I will remember for the rest of my life.
So, that is why I am laying here covered in blood and sweat, fighting for my country and life. A day never passed where I didn’t put my heart and soul into an ambush or attack, but right now my mind isn't here, it's back home. I'm not craving adventure or experience because none of those could help the situation I am in right now. It's just me and my sub-unit, 6 guys; well 5 now, Jay stopped breathing a few minutes ago. I'm down to 5 bullets and there's about 35 men 35 feet out. Bullets are flying in every direction, hitting my men like it was target practice. 3 against 31, one bullet left. This is it; it's over. For the first time in my life I was petrified, unable to move or shoot my last bullet.
I close my eyes and just think. I think of all the beautiful places I never went to, the different foods I didn’t eat, all the days I haven'tlived yet, and the people I still haven't met. I zone out for a few minutes thinking of different thinks I wished I had done but then it goes quiet. I open my eyes slowly just waiting to see the enemy directly above me, but there's no one. I get up and walk looking for my sub-unit, but once again no one. What is going-
I jump up, my heart pounding and my clothes full of sweat. I look around and reality hits; it was all a dream. I hear Captain talking on the phone in the room next door and the boys messing around with a soccer ball in the hall. I climb down off my bunk and grab a towel to go take a shower. I speak to a few of the guys and step into the bathroom. I turn the burning hot water on and try to relax myself but I hear a big bang and everything in the room begins to shake. Then I hear it, a familiar sound of wounded men crying out looking for help. I grab my towel and run to the hallway but all I see is the soccer ball, no men. I drop the towel and grab my gun, "Here we go."
