I think about you all the time.
Maybe not every day…but at least once a week...
and when I do my body automatically shrugs.
I literally have a physical reaction to the thought of you.
Google defines a shrug - as a raise of one's shoulders slightly and momentarily to express doubt, ignorance, or indifference.
Damn, google hit it right on the head with that one.
For a moment my eyes get heavy and my whole body fills with fucks, what ifs, and indifference.
well, they send me to flash backs of every inch of your smile, every moment of hearing your laugh echo around in my head, and the way thinking about you brings about the most innocent of smiles on my face. I begin to doubt my choice of walking away from someone as captivating as you. I hear sad melodies in my head as images of you and I fly through my mind.
the “what ifs”
make me feel like I’ve just bungee jumped off the steepest of cliffs and as I’m falling...the entire world around me freezes and my head fills with questions of doubt, because...what if...
I was the one who was in the wrong,
or if I was the one who gave up too soon,
or if it was my fault for trying to fix you.
Then as soon as that bungee cord snaps me back up, I feel torn, because I still fucking care. I gave you every part of my heart and you acted with such ignorance that only a fool could be capable of, yet you still had enough knowledge to tear me apart. I wish you could read this right now. Maybe then you'd be able to see what you did to me. All I ever wanted was to simply love you and for you to love me just the same. It was that simple and instead of admitting that you weren’t worthy of my love you made me feel like less than nothing for wanting something that I DESERVED.
So, I guess I’m “indifferent” now.
It was supposed to be me and you, but all you ever thought about was you. It's been awhile since we've spoken and I'm okay. I have filled my life with people and things that care about me. Gone are the nights of crying about coming home to you. Happy is the way I feel when I wake up. Important are my dreams that you wanted to crush. Doubt is no longer a fear that I have. Ignorance is bliss when it comes to knowing how you're doing.
I still think about you, but when I do it almost always makes me remember how much I still fucking hate you for letting me love you.