Undermining My Own Depression: A Guide to Self-Loathing

Before I begin, I must first clarify that publicly announcing my depression is not a cry for attention, but rather a coping mechanism for accepting my depression as a part of myself considering that antidepressants are not an option for me, nor is complete mental health. I must also clarify that the sarcasm laced throughout this article is intended for you to do the exact opposite of the advice I give. Shall we proceed?

Step 1: Sleep Excessively.

What I've found most helpful to pushing myself into a deeper depressive episode is catching some Z's, especially thirteen to fourteen hours at a time. Sometimes I get a little crazy and decide to pretend I'm sleeping and just lay around for that same amount of time or longer. This allows me to avoid doing productive things such as homework, cleaning, eating, etc. An even better strategy is to not sleep at all. This works just as well, but may leave you feeling worse than you would if you were actually sleeping.

Step 2: Avoid Social Interaction.

Social interaction is quite possibly the number one leading cause in my happiness, but sometimes it's just too exhausting to be social... and happy. If you're looking to feel like you've cut out almost everyone from your life, then you've come to the right place! All you have to do is avoid texts, calls, and social media in order to avoid those people in real life. Whether it be your best friend, close friends, or even family, just simply avoid them. Really not that hard. I would know, I do it a lot.

Step 3: Avoid Healthy Diets.

Another leading cause in my happiness: good physical health. How do I acquire good physical health? By eating healthy, of course! Sometimes it's just too difficult to stick with a healthy diet. The best way to feel like crap mentally and physically is to eat as much junk food as you possibly can. Cookies, candy, soda, chips, fast food, you name it, I'll eat it. Don't have an appetite? Don't worry! Not eating at all can also make you feel like you're deteriorating into a physical state of nonexistence. Not only should you maintain a diet of salt, sugar, and carbohydrates, but you should also avoid any physical activity or else you'll go against the advice given in Step 1.

Step 4: Keep Your Depression Hidden.

The last thing you want is to be open about the thing that quite possibly consumes you the most. Never discuss your depression with anyone because they most likely won't understand. It's not like there are actual people who study the human mind or anything. Be sure to bottle up ALL feelings and ignore the people that allow you to open up to them. This will help your self-loathing increase and your ability to come out of a depressive state to decrease.

Step 5: Compare Yourself To Others.

One of the things that consumes my mind the most is my inability to be like those that I idolize. Knowing that I will never look like Kylie Jenner, nor will I ever be as rich and successful as her, has really helped me suffer. Unfortunately, I must make something of my life with a college degree. This takes up a lot of time that I could use for sleeping and also opens up a gateway to overthinking: Will I even make it through college? What if it's the wrong career choice for me? Could I drop out and not be a disappointment? Is it too late to change my major even though I haven't started college yet? Etc. Etc. There will always be someone that you'll think is smarter, better, or more attractive than you. All you have to do is find that someone and constantly compare yourself to them. If you want to make matters worse, then find several people, if not all people, to compare yourself to! It really takes up the time you can spend laying awake at night.

Step 6:

The final step to making sure your depression really consumes you and your well-being is to procrastinate. This step is almost the same as Step 2, but instead of avoiding just social interaction, avoid all things productive. Homework due at 11:59pm? Start on it at 11:30pm! Big event coming up and you need a new outfit for it? Wait until 2 hours before to do anything about it! This allows you to have somewhat of a sense of motivation that you most likely don't feel very often. It's almost like having an energy drink that temporarily cures depression.

If you actually read this whole article, I appreciate your time. In case you were wondering, I only wrote this to avoid my homework and to publicly open up for my very first article on my blog. Again, this was intended to be sarcastic, which is the only way I can cope with certain aspects of my life. Humor is a great way to lighten up on dark subjects! If this article offends you, then you should try being humorous sometime!