You meet that special someone. The term "hitting it off" never made much sense until you talked to this girl. Now talking with her seems as natural as breathing. During the conversation, she looks away from you and you take a quick glance at a certain body part... her ring finger.
It's bare, a miracle! She turns back around and you continue the conversation. "So what season of Arrested Development are you on?". That's basically foreplay at this point. She responds. "Oh, me and my boyfriend are half way through season two"
boyfriend... Boyfriend... BOYFRIEND
*record scratch*
OH FUCK. There's no ring for that. Well, maybe a promise ring. There are way less lame ways to show commitment, though.
For all the guys out there, this has probably happened to you once or twice or thirty-seven times (in my case).
One might think you have to "respect" the fact that she is in a healthy relationship. Well, that person probably thinks you need proof in order to think that the mighty Sasquatch lives among us. AKA, they're wrong.
She should be watching Arrested Development with you, not this clown of a boyfriend she has. Well, guess what? It isn't impossible to make it so. Dr. Stone is back this week with more vital romantic advice. This week is for the guys when I explain a few ways to steal someone else's girlfriend.
1. Tell her, her boyfriend is dead:
After she mentions that she has a boyfriend, immediately ask what his name is. When she tells you, have your face express shock and say "oh my... you haven't heard? He died. In a cancer accident". She will begin the grieving process. Help her through this. Once she takes that 15 minutes to grieve, she'll move on and delete all traces of their relationship (texts, photos, cute voicemails, etc.). Now she's all yours till death do you part!
2. Use a cardboard box trap:
If you've ever tried to catch a squirrel in your backyard, this method might be familiar to you. This one will require a few supplies. Some string, a stick, a box, and some bait. Follow her back home to set up the trap. Prop the box up with the stick and then tie the string to the stick. Now place some bait inside the box, like Kylie Jenner makeup or Chris Hemsworth shirtless. Wait from a distance with the other end of the string in hand until the girl goes in to grab the bait. Once she is in the box, quickly pull the string so the stick will no longer support the box. She'll be trapped inside and you now have yourself a new girlfriend! Congrats!
3. Use Chloroform:
Pretty self-explanatory
4. Convince Her You Are Her Boyfriend:
This one will require some psychological trickery. For this method, you want to condition her brain to replace her real lover with you every time she says "boyfriend". Take this example for reference. Say she says, "Well, I was talking to my boyfriend the other day..." you will say something like "Oh, so you were talking to ME the other day". Be consistent with this. You must not let one mention of "boyfriend" slip. Eventually, she will be so accustomed to the thought of you being her boyfriend, she'll believe it! Now listen as she says "hey boyfriend! Wanna leave this place and have sex like we always do"? Don't waste time. Take this offer. You always do! *wink*
5. Call "dibs" on Her:
Take a tip from middle school logic. When she mentions her boyfriend, just ask her straight up. "Did he call dibs on you"? Most likely she will say "no". Then just point at her and say "dibs". You are now hers and she is now yours. Let's take a trip down the other route and she does say he called dibs on her. Now ask her if when he left her side if he called "fives". If he didn't, he has no right to assume she is still his. If you can take someone's seat when they haven't called fives, you sure as hell can take their girlfriend too.
6. Trial by Combat:
You don't think you have the brains to make her yours, you say? Well, you can win her over with your brawn as well. The moment she mentions her boyfriend, tell her to give you his number. Call him. When that punk answers, say "your girlfriend should be mine. I challenge you to a trial by combat for her". He now must accept, for his and her honor are both at stake. Prepare yourself for the fight. Alternatively, you may also choose a champion to fight on your behalf. Let the fight commence and come out on top. Now enjoy your new girlfriend/trophy.
Well, readers. I truly hope this can give you some courses of action to take when your dream girl is already taken. You are a great guy. You shouldn't have to wait till she's not in a relationship and actually has feelings for you. In today's society, it's all about how quick you can get something. People qualify for that too.
