Dear Mr. Squirrel,

After a very long drive, I was so excited to get home. But imagine my surprise when I walk up to the door and see the lid on the trashcan move? And surprise is a nice word. The proper word would be horror. So I do what any normal twenty year old woman would do. I pull out my phone and take a video.

And the most disgusting scene unfolds before me. The lid shakes. And it stops. And it shakes again. And stops again. And shakes again. And stops again. (I knew you were just trying to build the suspense but snapchat videos only last ten seconds so it was very inconsiderate of you.) And finally, a little paw peeks out from under the lid. And slides back in again. Then, I see both paws! And you squeeze out from under that lid like the rodent you are. Then, you stand on top of the trashcan (my trashcan!) all bright eyed and bushy tailed.

I bet you were proud of yourself weren’t you? You enjoyed the finest delicacies that college students throw in their trash. And you defeated our locking lids! We have trashcans with lids so that you keep out of them! But somehow, you managed to pry that top off and slip under it. And then what happened? You got stuck! I almost had to let you out and imagine how upset we both would have been to meet each other, me after my long drive, and you after your night spent in the can.

Also, just think of what would have happened if you hadn’t been able to get out? We’d have a rotting squirrel in our backyard. And isn’t death by trashcan rather pathetic? I mean, you’re a squirrel so I know you’ve got to keep a lookout for hawks and cats and cars. So why would you put yourself in more danger by crawling into a closed barrel? All your friends are going out in a blaze of glory being carried off by hawks or torn to bits by trucks. But you’re about to die in a pile of rubbish. Pathetic.

So please just keep out of the trash. We have lids on our trashcans for a reason and you defy us anyway. It’s super inconsiderate of you. And tell your friends to keep out as well! We’re tired of picking up after them. There’s plenty of nuts in the trees for you and I’m sure there’s plenty of litter on the road just outside our house. So it’d be preferable if you could go snacking there rather than in our backyard.

Sincerely,

A girl who doesn’t like squirrels

P.S. If you could communicate this information to all the raccoons, possums, and other little critters in our backyard, that’d be fantastic.

P.P.S The local cat looked kind of hungry the other day so I’m certain he’d have no qualms about snacking on you if you come skulking around here again.