The words “I’m sorry” are probably the most-used pair of words in my vocabulary, and I say them far more often out of reflex than as an apology for someone for something legitimate. “Sorry, strange woman who bumped into me in the store, for being the thing that you ran into.” “Sorry, cup of water, for knocking you off the counter.” I tell myself every time I say this phrase that I need to stop using, but I feel the need to keep saying it anyway.
I apologize because I think I sound crazy. No joke, when I was 12, I wrote a two-page letter to my childhood crush two years after he moved away apologizing for making him uncomfortable. I want so badly to be sure that people don't think ill of me in any way. I over-analyze texts and conversations for weeks, cringing at every time I didn't say the perfect thing, and feel the need to apologize to anyone who had to suffer though my awkwardness. I know they usually don't remember or missed it entirely when it did happen, but better safe than sorry (or, better "sorry" than sorry).
I apologize because I mess up a lot. I’m a klutz who wants to get things done quickly and ends up dropping everything on the floor and breaking something or hurting herself in the process. I’m competitive perfectionist with anxiety, wanting to both get something done quickly and correctly, but turning into a hot mess when I fail to do one of those two. I'd hate to be the one to ruin projects for people or be the reason dinner doesn’t turn out as good as it could have, so I'll be sure to apologize profusely in advance for any goofs I make.
I apologize because I don’t want to inconvenience you. If I’m taking too long to do something, or if I have to ask you to help me even if you’re not too busy to do it, I want to be sure you know that I regret pulling you away from whatever you’re doing (even if you'er literally doing nothing). I'd almost rather do something incorrectly and not bother you than to just ask you how to do it right.
I apologize because, as much as I want to say I’m secure in myself and my decisions, I’m really not. I don’t want you to think I’m a screw up, or crazy, or a klutz who can’t do anything right. To own my actions and the things that come out of my mouth that I wish I had done differently is something I’ve never been able to do. To say, “I’m sorry,” almost feels like having the ability to suspend those words and actions in time, giving me the freedom to erase their consequences by letting you know with an apology that I regretted them. Insecurities feel less vulnerable when you address them before anyone else can bring them to light or make them the butt of a joke.
I’m sorry, wow, that got way darker than I wanted it to. I'm sorry for saying "I'm sorry" so much... I'm working on it.
