The holidays can be intense and stressful for everyone, but especially for those with strained familial relationships. There is a heavy emphasis on family around the winter holidays and those without often family feel the need to explain themselves to others this season. For the sake of your friends and loved ones, here is a list of somethings not to say to someone not going home for the holidays.
1. "That's so sad!"
To you, it may be sad that I won't be seeing my blood family for the holidays, and for awhile, it was sad for me too. But now, I'm practicing self-care. Now, I have the time to dedicate to seeing my chosen family, getting myself presents with holiday deals, and enjoying my holiday pay!2. "Don't you miss your family?"
Of course, I do. Every day. So, the holidays are no different. And missing my family doesn't change that things are better when we don't see each other. I'll be much better if I spend the rest of my life reminiscing and missing the good times we had together instead of continuing negative experiences with them.
3. "What happened?"
None of your business! If I wanted you to know my family history, I would tell you. Familial trauma is intensely sensitive and private information. Keep your nose where it belongs.4. "You should forgive them."
This is probably one of the most out of line comments that I get regarding my family at this time of year. Unless you lived the same life that I did, you will never know the full extent of damage accrued. Forgiveness is hard and it is something to be earned, in my opinion. Forced forgiveness is not genuine forgiveness.
5. "Is it because of ____?"
Don't pretend to know why a person isn't close tot heir family. And your guessing is another way of asking for private information on a person's situation. People will tell you their narrative when it is best for them!
6. "I'd offer my house but my uncle/mom/brother is racist/homophobic/awful."
There was literally no point in you saying this other than trying to make things about yourself or relate to me in some twisted way. The responses I have to this are either "Oh yeah that sucks, tell me more about it." or "Oh yeah so is my uncle/mom/brother which is why I'm not going home." If you can't offer me a safe space in your home then don't tell me about it.7. "Can't you just avoid talking about it?"
I've met a lot of people in this year who think my distance from my family has to do with my political views, and to some extent they are correct. But for myself, and so many other people out there, it has to do with so much more. There isn't avoiding abuse, trauma, and your own identity.
8. "I could never do that."
Cool. You don't have to. People don't just sever ties with their families for fun. It is a long and emotionally tolling decision and process that I hope no one I care about ever has to go through. Be glad you never have to feel or understand that toll.
9. "But it's your family!"
There is no shame in self-preservation and self-care. Being related to a person does not mean that you owe a person anything. There is no reason to make a person feel guilty for doing what is best for them, ever.
10. "Are you sure?"
If a person has gone so far as to make plans against seeing their family during a family-centric holiday season, they are sure. It's a hard decision and one that takes plenty of planning and possibly fighting. They've probably never been so sure of any self-care action in their life.
