If you were to scroll through my Instagram feed, I can tell you what you would think: you would think I love my friends, I enjoy traveling, I love my family, I have fun, I go out, I eat good food, and most importantly, you could assume I am a very happy young girl.
Let me be the first to tell you, you could not be more wrong. I am so far from happy it's frightening. And no, I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm struggling, that my life is far from perfect, and just like most young adults, I think life is unfair and just sucks sometimes.
You know what? Let's just put it all out there because I'm so sick of living in a generation where I'm just expected to always smile, always be happy, portray that I'm happy through social media, and deny any sign of weakness.
First things first: social media can suck a fat one. Are we kidding?! This is what we've succumbed to. Solo shots, self-editing apps, and portrayals of how "perfect" our lives are. Ok fine, I contribute to this, but honestly, I'm so sick of doing it.
I don't know what happened in my life, but something or a variety of things flared up in a short amount of time, and I lost my happiness. My drive, my strive, and my motivations are a little less powerful than they used to be. I'm tired. I work so hard to be happy when in reality, I'm not, but it'll come when it's ready. Sometimes we have to sit in the bad. And in that bad, seeing all these other people's good is so hard.
I'm constantly wishing I had what all these other people have based on their social media. I mean seriously?! I hate that I even get jealous and want that so bad when in reality, they could be just as unhappy as I am.
And maybe they aren't, but the fact that I make myself feel worse because I think everyone else is so happy is so messed up.
There are many people struggling and maybe they don't talk about it, but I'm here to do that. To be that voice for not only myself but for all the people who feel how I'm feeling.
Why are we expected to do all these things with flying colors? Life is so hard, and I'm so lost. I have no idea who I am or who I want to be. I'm not so sure most people my age do either, but sometimes it feels like everyone has their shit together but me. So I sit, and I search for it. I either strive for what I once was or look to social media to make me feel better. Well like I just said, that doesn't help.
I'm not who I was. Although I want to be so bad, I'm not. I've grown so much, I've had so many life experiences since I started college. I was literally a child. I am so not even remotely that person anymore. My only reason for wanting to be is because of my happiness. I was so happy back then.
Society's rules and expectations are not something I'm following. So I'm not happy and here's why: in life, you either pick the short long or the long short.
The short long means you do little things to give you brief happiness periodically, yet have so much unhappiness in the long run. You never deal with it. That was me for the past three years with boys, with my mental health, and with my happiness. I've always had struggles and battles, and I've never dealt with them. I've put them off or dealt with some of them in doses. Sadly, it all caught up to me really fast. All my tactics for brief happiness failed me, and I was, and honestly still am, lost.
So I changed my mentality. I said, "Ok, let's sit in the long, so in the end, it'll feel short and I'll deal with everything that needs to be put first. I'm so good at putting on a front but I'm not doing it anymore. I want to be honest with myself and everyone in my life. Nothing has been easy recently."
Let's talk about how people, places, and your mindset have total control over how you manage life. Honestly, I hate college. I never wanted to go. I wanted to be in the real world and just work. I know, I'm so weird. But seriously. I transferred colleges at first in hopes of finding a college that would provide happiness until I was truly happy in the real world. At first, it did. But then I kind of got sick of it, and I am sick of it. I don't feel like I can be my best me in college, especially the college I'm at. So that's really hard. I try to be my best and will continue to. But it's hard. It adds to this mentality that I can't be happy.
Most kids don't love college. If they are telling you that their lives are perfect and college is perfect, they are either lying or are still living in high school. Sorry to be blunt, but it's true.
My life crisis currently is only proof that there is always work to be done regarding being your best self. I've never been my best me and now, hold on to the idea, that my self-love, practice of moving on, and acceptance of being "meh" about everything will soon pass because I'm trying. Life has a plan for me and although it sucks right now, I know there's something great waiting for me at the end. I'm in that period of the long short. The really long long part. Getting lost in the now is my biggest problem. The bigger picture seems so blurry, it's absolutely breaking me, but I'm working on it, I swear.
That is seriously all we can do. Try. Try to be happy. Try to move on. Force ourselves and fake it until we make it. At least I admit the bad and know that someday hopefully soon, there will be good. I will be my most happy self again. It'll come with time.
This doesn't have a happy ending or some incredible overall message but it has a truth. My truth. Like I said, I'm not ashamed that my life has road bumps, and right now everything is just a little harder than I would like it to be. I don't have any answers and I don't know when I'll get them. Chances are, you will be the first to know when I do. But until then, I'm going to keep doing me. Embrace all the bad and look to the future. Paint the picture of what I want and go after it and get it. I'm done with caring about what other people think, and I'm done with letting social media make me feel like I'm so invaluable.
I'm special. We all are. No one is perfect, I am so far from it. Thank God.