Rise and shine, time to face the day! Yes, I am talking to you, ‘Single Pringles’!
St. Valentines’ holiday may now be secularized, with giant teddy bears, dozens of red roses and rom-coms on replay. Yet, singleness is not a debilitating disease or human deformity.
The sugary, love fest on the fourteenth of February is a day in which single persons may traverse all ‘5 Stages of Singleness’ over the course of a twenty-four-hour period.
Okay, you caught me, the ‘5 Stages of Singleness’ is not an actual thing, but stay with me.
Modeled after the ‘5 Stages of Grief,’ I propose a framework for living with loss or the feeling that someone is missing.
In their book, ‘On Grief and Grieving,’ David Kessler and Elisabeth Kübler-Ross re-explicate the five stages of grief that have been “misunderstood over the past four decades.” They emphasize the fact that although grief is unique, these stages outline the phases of feelings through which many process.
So, without further ado, here are the ‘5 Stages of Singleness’ that one may experience should they be loveless on Valentine’s Day.
Let me caution you, it is only going to get worse before it gets better, so hang in there!
Stage One: Denial.
You roll over to the sound of the dump truck’s obnoxious beeping outside your complex. The alarm you set hasn’t yet sounded, but you check your phone; only to be greeted by absolutely no messages and the date, February 14th. You feel numb.
Wait, that’s just due to the fact that your dog has been asleep on your legs all night. Pins and needles, but you seem to have ridden yourself of the numbness...or have you?
Oh well, no matter. Let’s see what’s for breakfast. A one egg omelet, one piece of toast, one cup of yogurt and one glass of orange juice. Am I detecting a singular pattern? What, that’s crazy, no way!
A few minutes into primping and you decide to wear one of your favorite shirts, after all, it is a holiday. Then you feel a small pang dash across your heart. Hmm, that was odd.
As you put on the shirt, you remember what that heartburn meant. The last time you wore that shirt was on your last date with him. Okay, scratch the whole holiday ‘thing,’ this shirt is too sacred.
Already, the numbing shock is starting to wear out. Your ability to deny those suppressed feelings is beginning to fade.
Stage 2: Anger.
Tying your tennis shoes, you forego warming up and begin your mad dash (emphasis on the ‘mad).
Emphatically pumping your arms and ignoring the forming cramp in your side, you push yourself harder.
The pounding bass in your headphones competes with the resounding beat of your heart.
Eventually you approach that final incline. That mountain is unprepared for the steam that is propelling your locomotive forward with uncapped vengeance.
You reach the top, and your lungs feel like balloons, ready to pop. Doubling over you release a sob and pretend the pain is only from the stitch in your side.
Their face comes to mind, unbidden like the ghost that they are. Unfulfilled hopes for what could’ve been play like an unrelenting newsreel and the ache is fresh, once again.
Not caring how undignified you may sound, you release a howling, “Why!?” Tears threaten to leak out of your eyes and you are scared by the intensity of what you’re feeling.
Shrinking down into the ground you give into the sadness that has been simmering beneath the anger. You say to yourself, I thought I was over this.
Stage 3: Bargaining.
Throughout your slow walk back down the mountain, you “become lost in a maze of ‘If only...’ or ‘What if...’” (‘On Grief and Grieving’).
Gnawing on regret doesn’t change the past, but that truth doesn’t keep you from negotiating with yourself.
Maybe I was wrong, maybe we could’ve made it work, maybe I pushed too much or invested too little...you are losing the blame game, especially since you are the only player.
Life is a series of choices, you remind yourself, and the only choices I can control are my own.
You pass your favorite bakery and stop in for a cookie and some coffee. As your heart rate finally regulates, you let the sweetness seep into your bitter and broken veins.
Stage 4: Depression.
After the aforementioned emotional release, you endeavor to be more upbeat (if I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a hundred times, it is a holiday, after all).
Then you pass by a couple snuggling on a bench.
You stop at a light and another couple walks through the crosswalk hand in hand.
An elderly pair share a tender look at the check-out line.
Restaurants fill with doting partners dressed to the nines.
A newly engaged couple pops open a celebratory bottle of wine.
What are you feeling? Jealousy, perhaps. Empty, yeah...Bereft, most assuredly.
So you retreat to a secluded portion of nature to be alone, but God seems to be having a field-day when two swans blissfully paddle by you.
The memo has been received, I am alone.
The bench seat beside you is empty; you hand holds nothing but a bag of groceries; your adoring gaze at check-out is directed at the conveniently located chocolates; the hostess doesn’t understand your reservation, yes, a table for one and you have nothing to celebrate.
Withdrawing from this dismal state of affairs seems a welcome thought. Who knew the holidays could be so depressing?
Stage 5: Acceptance.
Your phone dings. The text reads, “It’s okay to not be okay.”
Learning to live with where we are and who we are with, in the present, is simply accepting reality.
Day by day, we learn to trust in God’s sovereign timing. His arms are ready and waiting to hold us in the pain, all we have to do is reach out our hand and cling to Him.
In this time of singleness, we have the unique opportunity to invest in many people, not just one.
We have a schedule that is ours to make. We have the space to grow and change.
If God has placed relationship on your heart, then offer that desire back to Him. Let Him protect us from awakening love before the time is right (Song of Solomon 8:4).
A friend said to me, “I better hurry to find a Valentine.” Rushing love for the sake of a relationship will only lead to hurt and disappointment.
So, when we see Cupid’s mythical arrow sticking out of people’s butts, let’s not get so caught up in looking for love that we miss the opportunity to treasure those already placed in our lives to cherish (including ourselves).
And as for a game-plan, how about this? Let’s work on becoming the one that the one you are looking for is looking for (Joby Martin, Eleven22).
Even on Valentine’s Day, can we accept this?
