I have been on a journey to find a deeper understanding and level of myself. Which sounds mythical and silly but its something I really urge everyone to do. Trying to find the "whys" behind everything I do and the reasons I do certain things. One of my recent discoveries was why I don't date.
I have been single for a long long long 21 years. I always just rationalized that there is no man out there and that I wasn't looking or interested. But unfolding that and unpacking those statements, they were really rooted in fear. Fear of being rejected or emotionally invested just to be disappointed. I wasn't single, I was scared.
I've had opportunities and there has been some options. But um I just want to stress to any single girl in her teens and early twenties. Don't compromise your convictions in exchange for comfort. Singleness is not a death sentence or a barren land with outlet. Take this time to become the person you want to be instead longing for a person you want to be with.
I knew that being single was just a pit stop in my life not a final destination. I just didn't think anyone would step into a battle they didn't start, fighting alongside a stranger who is has been a soldier longer than a human. I just know that there would eventually be a cease fire but when the smoke clears, weapons drop and there's no more bloodshed or tears that he would still be next to me.
I just had been through a lot in my life from earlier years and I thought what guy would EVER stick around and put up with me or my circumstances. What kind of boy would sit with me through dark days just to get a glimpse of my light? What if my family was too much, what if my life was too much and what if I was too much?
But I know now the real question was what if he wasn't enough. I refuse to settle for any man whose hands aren't big enough to carry my light and love. I don't need anyone to stand with me in the sun, I need you to hold me in the shadows. The days were crying seems more comfortable than laughing, where listening to me is more intimate than sex. I don't need you to cure my "loneliness", you are not an antidote to me being alone. I am not a princess in a tower waiting to be saved by true loves kiss, I am fire breathing dragon guarding my own damn castle.
So yeah there is dark past but the right man will not cower or bow out. He will confront my past and it promise not to leave until the scars do too. I always thought of my self as a broken mirror but I think I am A stained glass. fragmented in its creation, Beautiful in its colors but when the light gets in, illuminating.