Typically I can carry on a conversation without bringing up weaponry. But even I am not opposed to busting a raw move in a lobby. True, war is unavoidable, but peace also occurs, but enough contradictions, I will show you what I mean. For most Americans, "the shells littered the floor" probably conveys images of shotgun shells or artillery shells. But this phrase has been spoken by more than soldiers and generals. I hope you quick-built, because I'm firing a list right at you.
1. The Planters Burial Ground
Those who know me know I love peanuts. "Boil peanuts, not war." Sound familiar? I said it just now. My dad's cousin's uncle (my ultra cousin) used to get into all sorts of mayhem when he was just a spudling. He loved skipping around industrial buildings and tempting the fate of his young lungs. One day he wandered into a Planters peanut factory disassembly line thinking a trail of peanut shells would lead him to a circus elephant. An honest mistake for someone living in the 1930s, a time when America was a comic strip. Our hero saw something he would never forget for as long as he lived; for beneath the feet of the hard-working factory elephants were thousands upon thousands of peanut shells carelessly strewn about the factory floor. An elephant never forgets and neither did my ultra cousin. To this day he still wonders who had to clean up those shells that littered the floor.
2. The day our kitchen screamed
My family is a cheesy family, and Velveeta was our top mac back in my saturated era, circa 2006. My brother and I thought it would be really awesome to make more Velveeta mac and cheese than God would forgive. To prepare for the mining of liquid gold the tops were torn off of 116 boxes of Velveeta mac and cheese and placed on the wobbly glass table in our kitchen. Mind you my brother was still recovering from a jammed finger, and I had an eyepatch on because I forgot I farted on my only pillow and contracted pink eye. Needless to say this was also around the time my adult knee caps were starting to come in so I was hobbling around on my junior stilts, and our father had taken a vow of blindness so he couldn't help. Mom was busy. As my brother prepared to squeeze the cheese with his good arm, in my excitement I accidentally elbowed a box of the Velveeta shells and a domino effect caused all 116 opened boxes of Velveeta to scatter on the floor, nearly taking me right off my stilts. When my father reminisces on that crunchy afternoon, he always says the same thing: "the shells littered the floor."
3. The Last Oyster Roast (This one is real)
Another tale from the Brusberg family catacombs is of my great uncle Bobby who I think I am named after, or maybe not. One day Bobby overheard that some people held an oyster roast at a local bar and the bar ended up in flames after the roast got too fun and exciting. When Bobby heard this he said out loud, "sounds like the oysters had a people roast." I am definitely related to this man. A bystander who heard Bobby's insensitive statement then explained that he had a good friend who died in that fire, and Bobby used his charisma to cancel a jab to the jaw from a former oyster-lover. Scattered within the ashes of tragedy were shells that littered the floor.
Although some of these examples were tense enough to mimic the thrill of battle, you cannot deny that these varying shells littered the floor during peacetime. And now I ask you, the audience: when was a time in your life shells littered the floor? Please leave a comment below and I will try to get back to you posthaste.
