7 Reasons Why Same-Sex Marriage Will Ruin Everything
Start writing a post
Politics and Activism

7 Reasons Why Same-Sex Marriage Will Ruin Everything

7 Reasons Why Same-Sex Marriage Will Ruin Everything

I was hanging in bed one evening, and I heard whispers in my head. It sounded a lot like Rick Santorum, but that's beside the point. Of course, never questioning the supernatural, I naturally sat down with a cup of tea in my comfy armchair and listened to these whispers. What I heard was shocking. Something terrible was about to happen. It was same-sex marriage.

We have now entered a time of Armageddon. Now I must share the seven plagues humanity will have to endure now that SCOTUS has passed same-sex marriage in all 50 states.

1. It will now literally begin to rain men.

I remember going to my weekly Gay Karaoke night and selecting the song "It's Raining Men." As I sang, a rainstorm appeared. It was clear that my Queerness had summoned the rain. But now the new world order has arrived. For every same-sex marriage, there will fall hundreds of spinning naked men, falling like doves or meaty, floppy rice.

2. Baby Drag Queens

Do you think this is a game? "They're already spilling everything else, so why not spill the tea too?" Is that what you want to say? Gay parents everywhere will be dolling up their children, putting them into pageants. Like putting lipstick on a pig.

3. Fire Island will be set on fire.

This inevitable apocalypse will begin at the source, the gayest place ever. Of course, since the days of Adam and Eve, Fire Island has been a place of sin. As the whispers have promised, the gays will soon flock. The bonfires will be cast, and they will, of course, sin so hard it will cause a gigantic fire. As is tradition, they will forget they are not, in fact, the demons that Satan promised them to be. The leaves will wither and the oily muscles of men will enlighten. It's like those cute luminaries neighborhood sets out over Christmas time. So cute! Of course this fire will spread throughout the world. Jokes on us for Marriage Equality!

4. RuPaul will become president.

If you haven't heard of her majesty, you soon will. Her cackling laugh is like a siren's call, and she's telling you "You betta work." Now that drag queens have total control, we will be forced to work in the mines, harvesting the gay babies from the mud like Uruk hai, Some will say "Not today, Satan," but the day is neigh my brethren. There's no stopping the amount of silicone, horse-hair wigs and man-flesh makeup that will be harvested for her reign.

5. Leprechauns will be forced into hiding.

There's rainbows everywhere. Nowhere to hide for Seamus. In his heart, he knew that someone would find his pot of gold, but nobody will now. There will be rainbows everywhere, and he has no more purpose. No hope.

6. Gay Ninjas

Same-sex is about self-gratification, the gratification of two selfish, selfish people. It is our ninja way. Since we cannot create life through our own devices, the answer is clear. We will sneak into your windows to steal your babies in the middle of the night, silently ... carefully. We have, after all, become masters of disguise in our "closets." Gay marriage will breed the ultimate infant abductors, trained in the art of deception.

7. Orgies!

According to James Dobson, a prominent sage, LGBT is something unholy. According to him the B in LGBT stands not for "Bisexual" but for "orgies." Yeah, that's right, ORGIES. This is it, folks. Orgies will be everywhere, and nobody will be able to stop it. Orgies in the bedroom. Orgies in the garden. Orgies in your child's kindergarten. In the sink, on the walls. One of them will involve a neti-pot. I can go on, my friends. You'll be at Starbucks ordering an orgy pumpkin spice. It will taste awful.

Now that we know the dangers that are to come. I hope you heed my warnings and pay your respects to the natural world that used to be.

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
houses under green sky
Photo by Alev Takil on Unsplash

Small towns certainly have their pros and cons. Many people who grow up in small towns find themselves counting the days until they get to escape their roots and plant new ones in bigger, "better" places. And that's fine. I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought those same thoughts before too. We all have, but they say it's important to remember where you came from. When I think about where I come from, I can't help having an overwhelming feeling of gratitude for my roots. Being from a small town has taught me so many important lessons that I will carry with me for the rest of my life.

Keep Reading...Show less
​a woman sitting at a table having a coffee

I can't say "thank you" enough to express how grateful I am for you coming into my life. You have made such a huge impact on my life. I would not be the person I am today without you and I know that you will keep inspiring me to become an even better version of myself.

Keep Reading...Show less
Student Life

Waitlisted for a College Class? Here's What to Do!

Dealing with the inevitable realities of college life.

college students waiting in a long line in the hallway

Course registration at college can be a big hassle and is almost never talked about. Classes you want to take fill up before you get a chance to register. You might change your mind about a class you want to take and must struggle to find another class to fit in the same time period. You also have to make sure no classes clash by time. Like I said, it's a big hassle.

This semester, I was waitlisted for two classes. Most people in this situation, especially first years, freak out because they don't know what to do. Here is what you should do when this happens.

Keep Reading...Show less
a man and a woman sitting on the beach in front of the sunset

Whether you met your new love interest online, through mutual friends, or another way entirely, you'll definitely want to know what you're getting into. I mean, really, what's the point in entering a relationship with someone if you don't know whether or not you're compatible on a very basic level?

Consider these 21 questions to ask in the talking stage when getting to know that new guy or girl you just started talking to:

Keep Reading...Show less

Challah vs. Easter Bread: A Delicious Dilemma

Is there really such a difference in Challah bread or Easter Bread?

loaves of challah and easter bread stacked up aside each other, an abundance of food in baskets

Ever since I could remember, it was a treat to receive Easter Bread made by my grandmother. We would only have it once a year and the wait was excruciating. Now that my grandmother has gotten older, she has stopped baking a lot of her recipes that require a lot of hand usage--her traditional Italian baking means no machines. So for the past few years, I have missed enjoying my Easter Bread.

Keep Reading...Show less

Subscribe to Our Newsletter

Facebook Comments