I was hanging in bed one evening, and I heard whispers in my head. It sounded a lot like Rick Santorum, but that's beside the point. Of course, never questioning the supernatural, I naturally sat down with a cup of tea in my comfy armchair and listened to these whispers. What I heard was shocking. Something terrible was about to happen. It was same-sex marriage.

We have now entered a time of Armageddon. Now I must share the seven plagues humanity will have to endure now that SCOTUS has passed same-sex marriage in all 50 states.

1. It will now literally begin to rain men.

I remember going to my weekly Gay Karaoke night and selecting the song "It's Raining Men." As I sang, a rainstorm appeared. It was clear that my Queerness had summoned the rain. But now the new world order has arrived. For every same-sex marriage, there will fall hundreds of spinning naked men, falling like doves or meaty, floppy rice.

2. Baby Drag Queens

Do you think this is a game? "They're already spilling everything else, so why not spill the tea too?" Is that what you want to say? Gay parents everywhere will be dolling up their children, putting them into pageants. Like putting lipstick on a pig.

3. Fire Island will be set on fire.

This inevitable apocalypse will begin at the source, the gayest place ever. Of course, since the days of Adam and Eve, Fire Island has been a place of sin. As the whispers have promised, the gays will soon flock. The bonfires will be cast, and they will, of course, sin so hard it will cause a gigantic fire. As is tradition, they will forget they are not, in fact, the demons that Satan promised them to be. The leaves will wither and the oily muscles of men will enlighten. It's like those cute luminaries neighborhood sets out over Christmas time. So cute! Of course this fire will spread throughout the world. Jokes on us for Marriage Equality!

4. RuPaul will become president.

If you haven't heard of her majesty, you soon will. Her cackling laugh is like a siren's call, and she's telling you "You betta work." Now that drag queens have total control, we will be forced to work in the mines, harvesting the gay babies from the mud like Uruk hai, Some will say "Not today, Satan," but the day is neigh my brethren. There's no stopping the amount of silicone, horse-hair wigs and man-flesh makeup that will be harvested for her reign.

5. Leprechauns will be forced into hiding.

There's rainbows everywhere. Nowhere to hide for Seamus. In his heart, he knew that someone would find his pot of gold, but nobody will now. There will be rainbows everywhere, and he has no more purpose. No hope.

6. Gay Ninjas

Same-sex is about self-gratification, the gratification of two selfish, selfish people. It is our ninja way. Since we cannot create life through our own devices, the answer is clear. We will sneak into your windows to steal your babies in the middle of the night, silently ... carefully. We have, after all, become masters of disguise in our "closets." Gay marriage will breed the ultimate infant abductors, trained in the art of deception.

7. Orgies!

According to James Dobson, a prominent sage, LGBT is something unholy. According to him the B in LGBT stands not for "Bisexual" but for "orgies." Yeah, that's right, ORGIES. This is it, folks. Orgies will be everywhere, and nobody will be able to stop it. Orgies in the bedroom. Orgies in the garden. Orgies in your child's kindergarten. In the sink, on the walls. One of them will involve a neti-pot. I can go on, my friends. You'll be at Starbucks ordering an orgy pumpkin spice. It will taste awful.

Now that we know the dangers that are to come. I hope you heed my warnings and pay your respects to the natural world that used to be.