Seven Bogus Sins

1. Pride… and joy

Alright, so let's go ahead and start with the Sin of all bogus Sins, Pride. Pride is defined as having excessive belief in your abilities. (You hear that peaked high school jocks? Calm down, you're sinning). Biblically, however, it is only seen as a sin if it overshadows God. Jesus, pardon my language, what does that even mean? During a spelling bee when I was 9, it came down to me and one other girl. I had total pride I was going to kick Stacy's ass when I got the last word, "tornadoes". Did I stop to praise God after her defeat? No. Did I get a stuffed caterpillar as a trophy and make mom stop to get me a McFlurry after? Oh yes.

2. Envy

Okay, I agree envy can be annoying. I mean instead of taking it out on the people in our lives, can't we all just reserve our jealousy for Jennifer Aniston being in her 50s and still looking hot with a smoking addiction? Or save it for the fact that Blake Lively is lucky enough to be married to Ryan Renalds and vice versa? Yet sadly, we let the envy monster loose on the people that surround us. Like on that friend we all know who still has their parents credit card in college. I'll give it to you, envy is a spiritual shortcoming, however, jealousy is kinda what makes the world go round. If we didn't strive to achieve the best, how can we move forward?

3. Gluttony

Well, stoners are screwed if this one ends up being true.

4. Lust

Guys. Literally the only thing close to being as good as love is lust. I'll just leave you to decide if you'd rather be moral or get laid.

5. Anger

I love how the seven deadly sins are literally just normal problems and emotions. Biblically, this sin is supposed to represent a more extreme take on the common emotion of anger. It's when wrath consumes your ability to love. This one is pretty crappy but if you ask me, the person who wrote the seven sins must have been in a pretty shitty mood as well.

6. Greed

I understand that preferring wealth over spiritual growth is a little shady but the "money can't buy happiness" person can go take a seat because we all know we'd rather be sipping on some Rosé over holy water.

7. Sloth

Okay, I know sloth and gluttony are both ridiculously but honestly, if I'm going to take any of these sins seriously, the two that equal me getting fat are it.

Seven Actual Sins

1. Gym Pain (and I'm not talking about the treadmill)

Gym Pains are the guys in the gym that stare you down even though you're just trying to do some squats. Please, take another five hour energy and go use those weights we both know are way too heavy for you.

2. Teachers Speaking Not Teaching

Teachers that literally read from the power points and add no new information in a monotone voice. Like, I literally could've gotten that by looking at the syllabus online and avoided scorching my tongue with coffee to endure this lecture.

3. Women Against Women

The fact that there are still women out there that willingly put down other women to make themselves feel better. Without hesitation, some females will degrade one of their own based on a rumor they heard about the others sex life or the amount of makeup they wear. Grow the fuck up, love yourself, and love your sisters.

4. Daddy Told Me So

I can't believe there are still teenagers who just believe what their parents tell them to believe. Are you kidding me? You get an iPhone now at like eight. I expect more commentary on why you believe in something other than "Well daddy said…". Your obliviousness won't get any cuter as you age, might as well use the FREE internet and get a little smarter.

5. Knowing the Word "Hola" Doesn't Make You Bilingual

How has America still not figured out how to actually implement an effective way of teaching languages. I mean, holy hell, how conceded are we that almost every other country strives to learn English. Yet, my Spanish teacher from high school didn't know there was a double L in the Spanish alphabet.

6. Couples in Crowds

The couples that decide to walk side-by-side on their way to class as they hold hands on a narrow sidewalk. Hey, I'm no Scrooge, I love a little PDA and I get that your honeymoon phase still makes you wanna hold up everyone rushing to their 9 AM's. But please try to be considerate. Outside of your bubble, there is a girl who has been late one too many times and who can't pass you and the oncoming herd of students.

7. Cop or Civilian

Now, for the deadliest sin of all… people who drive Ford Explorers. You know exactly why you ended up on this list. You are the people who get off on having a car that looks exactly like a cop, causing everyone you pass to be filled with anxiety. Please do us a favor and at least paint it a different color besides white or black.