Is Self Tanning Dangerous?
Start writing a post

8 Narcissistic Thoughts You Definitely Have As An Avid Self-Tanner

Self-tan, also known as the knockoff version of actually going outside when the sun is out.

ross geller tan

Hi my name is Emily and I am an avid self-tanner. While typically admitting is the first step to solving the problem, I can say with certainty that my self-tanning habits are not actually problematic. My show of the summer is decisively "100% Hotter" in which three stylists take in the UK's most aggressively overdressed and give them make-unders with the goal of doubling their public rating.

Every other person the Style Team works with on the show has the problem of "uses too much fake tan" and while at first, I panicked thinking I would have to do some self-aware remodeling, I realized very quickly that my habits were not even close to warranting my nomination for the show (they made one woman try to paint a wall with her weekly amount of fake tanning lotion and she painted the whole thing).

While I have never and will definitely never get that bad, I also have such a problem with looking like Oliver Twist (not a child actor living large in 2005 Hollywood, by the way, but a Vitamin D deprived boy on the streets of England circa 1830). And so, while so many of the make-under cases quit fake tanning cold turkey, I persist and continue to swear by my Neutrogena micromist spray.

I'm definitely not the only self-tanner, I might be one of the most narcissistic. Even so, I'm really just here to say what we're all thinking.

1. I still have to rub in the spray, don’t I?

Splotchy to smooth!

Emily Sharp

The big selling point of self-tanning sprays are that it's no rub and goes on all over.

This is a lie.

Of course you have to rub in fake tan! Otherwise you have one clean line of blinding pale skin down your leg, drawing the eyes away from your gorgeous new glow towards The One Area That Got Away.

2. What am I going to wear tomorrow that this won’t ruin?

One of the many heavy tanners on "100% Hotter" who complained that it would get all over her clothes.

You really can't wear white for a few days after you self-tan because even though it "dries" in "5 minutes" (not true, by the way) that doesn't stop the tan from rubbing off on everything you own for a soft 2-4 business days.

3. Did I get my back well? Do I really care about my back?

The only time I've seen an even back self-tan.

Somethings in this life are just out of our reach, like marrying into the British Royal Family if you're a late-Millennial/ Gen Z-er or the center of one's back when you're self-tanning. The smartest thing to do in situations like these when you realize your shortcomings is, despite every motivational speech ever, to just give up. Cut your losses. No one has really cared about others' backs since Caesar and Brutus.

4. Oh no… Now I have to switch my workout class


My biggest fear in this lifetime (ps this is exaggerated) is working out too soon after I tan and having the sweat lines branded into my face. There's a very delicate art to scheduling both spin classes and fake tans so that one does not impede the full effects of the other, and sometimes it hits you as you're rubbing in your legs that you're signed up to ride at 9 am the next day... and that just won't do.

5. I should make a playlist for doing this

I almost exclusively self-tan late right before bed so that the chemicals I'm rubbing into my skin will work their magic while I sleep and I can wake up glowing. Even if I didn't tan in the dark of night when everyone within a 20 mile radius is dead asleep, self-tanning is a very personal task and it can get a bit lonely.

6. This is such a good playlist for doing this!

She did that.

I 100% took my own advice and made a mix of soft tunes to keep me company

7. Wow, this takes so long to dry

Selfie I took recently

Every bottle of self-tanner promotes that it is super quick drying, taking only 5 minutes then you can put your clothes back on!


Let's be real here: it's 5 minutes of standing under an overhead fan before you grow frustrated and turn to setting your hairdryer on cool and hovering it over your skin while you stare into the void.

8. Did I put on too much?

Just so we're clear: the answer to this is pretty much always "yes" so the smart thing to do a couple of hours after your tan (ex. if you tan at night, when you wake up in the morning) is to shower the excess off. This also allows you to scrub off any splotchy spots too before you ever see the general public light of day.

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
Student Life

Top 10 Reasons My School Rocks!

Why I Chose a Small School Over a Big University.

man in black long sleeve shirt and black pants walking on white concrete pathway

I was asked so many times why I wanted to go to a small school when a big university is so much better. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure a big university is great but I absolutely love going to a small school. I know that I miss out on big sporting events and having people actually know where it is. I can't even count how many times I've been asked where it is and I know they won't know so I just say "somewhere in the middle of Wisconsin." But, I get to know most people at my school and I know my professors very well. Not to mention, being able to walk to the other side of campus in 5 minutes at a casual walking pace. I am so happy I made the decision to go to school where I did. I love my school and these are just a few reasons why.

Keep Reading...Show less
Lots of people sat on the cinema wearing 3D glasses

Ever wonder what your friend meant when they started babbling about you taking their stapler? Or how whenever you ask your friend for a favor they respond with "As You Wish?" Are you looking for new and creative ways to insult your friends?

Well, look no further. Here is a list of 70 of the most quotable movies of all time. Here you will find answers to your questions along with a multitude of other things such as; new insults for your friends, interesting characters, fantastic story lines, and of course quotes to log into your mind for future use.

Keep Reading...Show less
New Year Resolutions

It's 2024! You drank champagne, you wore funny glasses, and you watched the ball drop as you sang the night away with your best friends and family. What comes next you may ask? Sadly you will have to return to the real world full of work and school and paying bills. "Ah! But I have my New Year's Resolutions!"- you may say. But most of them are 100% complete cliches that you won't hold on to. Here is a list of those things you hear all around the world.

Keep Reading...Show less

The Ultimate Birthday: Unveiling the Perfect Day to Celebrate!

Let's be real, the day your birthday falls on could really make or break it.

​different color birthday candles on a cake
Blacksburg Children's Museum

You heard it here first: birthdays in college are some of the best days of your four years. For one day annually, you get to forget about your identity as a stressed, broke, and overworked student, and take the time to celebrate. You can throw your responsibilities for a day, use your one skip in that class you hate, receive kind cards and gifts from loved ones and just enjoy yourself.

Keep Reading...Show less

Unleash Inspiration: 15 Relatable Disney Lyrics!

Leave it to Disney to write lyrics that kids of all ages can relate to.

The 15 most inspiring Disney songs

Disney songs are some of the most relatable and inspiring songs not only because of the lovable characters who sing them, but also because of their well-written song lyrics. While some lyrics make more sense with knowledge of the movie's story line that they were written for, other Disney lyrics are very relatable and inspiring for any listener.

Keep Reading...Show less

Subscribe to Our Newsletter

Facebook Comments