Many things scare me. Nightmares keep me up at night, words haunt me. It’s true many things scare me. There is one thing that just terrifies me, not counting the usual death or harm to my family, and it is the fear that no one believes me.
I have been scared of this my entire life; when I couldn’t sleep because of nightmares, when stomach pains kept me up, when anxiety made it impossible to rest. I have been, and likely always will be, terrified that no one believes me.
I had so many people scoff at me, write me off and pretend that my words hold no meaning. I have had teachers and other parents tell me I am dramatic. I had friends, who I loved, say my pain is not real. And so I am terrified no one believes me.
It is strange being afraid of something that many people look over. Being afraid of not being believed is a childhood fear.
“They won’t believe because I’m young.”
Well, most people would get over that fear before the age of 18, yet I have clung to it and it to me.
I don’t want to be afraid, I just want to trust that people will believe and see the truth.
My trust has been tried and tried and tried again. I cannot count how many people have asked if my issues are psychosomatic or if I think I should start seeing a therapist. I cannot count how many people think I use my issues as a scapegoat for getting out of work or how many compare the pain and decide theirs is worse.
I understand pain, at least to some degree. Therefore, I cannot overlook other people’s opinions, perhaps their pain is worse than mine, but how can I know? And then how can they know? I did not have the knowledge to compare.
There are points where I look up and think, “Well, the anxiety wasn’t enough, was it? Just had to add on horrible social skills and trouble making friends right? Then on top, like a cherry, a pain disorder?” Those moments are rare but they come about just as they do for anyone.
My anxiety makes it difficult to see that people could understand, my social skills make it hard to make friends that get it. And my disorder, well, it’s just a pain.
I am afraid that no one believes me.
Perhaps worse than that, I am afraid I have made everything up. That is all for attention and that’s why nothing has from it. That in my road to become unique, I have fabricated this for myself.
Fear is crippling.
I have to remind myself everyday that fear is crippling. That I must not let it get to me. That I am better than this fear.
These things terrify me and will likely continue to terrify me, but they will never bring me down. I will never forget who I am, even through the fear. I am afraid of many things, but losing myself is the lost of that list, and I won’t go down without a fight.
