As finals week is fast approaching, the stress of deadlines, papers, projects, and exams feels enormous. Like the weight of the whole world rests upon you, you lonesome college student. Luckily, it's not the weight of approximately 2 billion children who are expecting a visit from you, and a sack full of toys, to boot. That responsibility is reserved for the big man up North, Santa Claus, which is a good thing because if Santa was a college student...well, things wouldn't be running as smoothly as they are now.

1. Christmas morning would be a "suggested deadline"

December 25th, at 9 a.m.? That's more like a general time frame, right? Could I get those presents to you by noon? How about 6 pm? I've also been having a lot of trouble with the landing gear in the sleigh, so if I'm a little late, that's why.

2. There'd be more than cocoa in that mug

Coffee in the morning, Red Bull in the afternoon, and at night...more coffee, obviously, but with a little bit of the elves' special cider thrown in for some jolly good luck. Hey, whatever it takes to keep going. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

3. Cookies and Milk? More like shots and cookie chasers

As a reward for all the hard work he put into the whole Christmas extravaganza, Santa would definitely want to live it up afterwards. Besides, he won't be driving the sleigh...that's the reindeer's job. Rudolph is his number one designated driver!

4. Santa would need to borrow money to fill up the sleigh's tank

Do you know how much money it costs? He'd be hitting up all the elves he's ever given rides to, trying to get a few extra bucks to get a solid gallon of pixie dust or whatever the new model sleigh is taking these days. Who're you kidding, he can barely fly home for the holiday, let alone around the world.

5. He'd need to borrow money to do anything

Again, toys require a lot of materials. A lot of materials whose cost seems to have been allocated to late-night nachos, third rounds at the North Pole Bar, and the new Adele CD (one copy for the seigh, one for his computer). So...about that play kitchen... Unless somebody starts chipping in, Sally's going to be one sad little girl this year.

6. Instead of elves, he'd have sorority sister helpers

Everyone knows sorority girls are the best crafters on the planet. Plus, they love to coordinate their outfits so workroom uniforms would be doubly cute.

7. But any toy that required a team effort would fall apart

Group work? With those elves? Impossible. All the work is going to fall on one poor elf, but they'll all share the credit when that 600-piece dollhouse gets assembled.

8. Naughty and nice lists would be skimmed, at most

Do you know how long that list is? Plus, it's not like there are any SparkNotes for it--Santa's already checked. He'll give it a once over and hope for the best.

9. He'd sleep through any photo op session

Santa's mall time is also Santa's nap time. Sitting in a big cushy chair while "Jingle Bells" plays softly in the background is the perfect atmosphere to catch a few z's. Just pull down the hat and no kid talking about a pony will even notice!

10. Santa would spend 364 days of the year doing literally nothing

Nothing says procrastination like waiting until Christmas Eve morning to finally buckle down and build some toys. To any doubter who's ever said: "Now, this isn't the type of toy you can build in 5 hours. I'd notice," has clearly never seen Santa in his final hours--that's when the suspicious mug liquid really comes in handy.

11. He'd email you five times to double check what you want

That's another thing--how many wheels did you want on that fire truck? Four, right? Let's say, if it's three really good wheels, would that be alright? Or does it have to be four? Santa's not exactly about cutting corners, but he does like to know how much this specific toy is going to count in your overall Christmas experience. Because if it's a small percentage, well, he's got better things to do.

12. More time would be spent watching dancing reindeer than doing work

"But look how cute they are!" He'd cry as Mrs. Claus gave him a disapproving shake of her head. However, even she has to admit that whichever elf filmed the reindeer doing the "Harlem Shake" is a complete genius.

13. Christmas carols would become club-worthy

Nothing says Christmas like getting down to the tune of "Deck the Halls EDM Remix ft. Nicki Minaj". My Santa Claus don't--My Santa Claus don't--My Santa Claus don't want none unless you got presents, hun.

14. And finally, crushed by surmounting expectations, he'd crack at least once

Staring up at ceiling of his mockingly cheerful workshop, Santa doubts his purpose in this world. What's the point of it all? You learn to build an iPod and suddenly they want a remote-controlled drone...you work so hard, and for what? What's the meaning of this, of life, of hard work, of....*gasp* Christmas itself?