How to Rule Like Henry VIII

How to Rule Like Henry VIII

Extraordinary Tips to Mold You into a Terrific Tyrant

If leading a reign of terror, powdered by the obsessive thought that everyone is plotting against you, is what you wish to do; then you should probably follow the footsteps of the not-so- great King Henry VIII. The suggestions provided to you here will advise you in how to construct your life in a manner that will permit you to become a hated King, with multiple ex-wives and numerous enemies.

The first step to becoming a ruler, like Henry VIII, requires that you are born of noble birth in the 15th century Tutor family of Britain. Evidently, peasants are far too dimwitted and cannot be expected to rule a monarchy. Although being the first born is the key to claiming the rights to the throne, you mustn’t worry if you are not the eldest of your father’s sons. The Middle Ages is plagued with various incurable illnesses and your older brothers are most likely going to perish as victims to such diseases. Henry’s older brother Arthur was originally the first in line to be king, but, as he passed away it was Henry who was crowned king at seventeen years of age.

Secondly, you must acquire a wife. If you’re lucky enough your father will annul your deceased brother’s marriage and gift you with your brother’s young widow, just as Henry VII did after his son, Arthur, passed away. Henry VIII’s first wife, Catherine of Aragon, was actually his ex-sister-in-law. Needless to say, complex family ties are the basis for the creation of every proper tyrant.

You should also keep in mind that if after two decades of marriage your wife fails to give you a male heir, you should simply divorce her and acquire yourself a younger bride. Well, of course it won’t be all that simple to obtain the Roman Catholic Church’s approval for your divorce, but, you are the king! God’s will is for your reign to be eternal and prosperous. So, just do as Henry VIII did, make your own bloody church. Catherine of Aragon was incapable of producing a male heir for the Tutor line, although she had been married to King Henry VIII for twenty-four years. That old hag needed to be disposed of and luckily the Protestant Reformation provided Henry VIII with the chance to obtain a divorce, after he had established the new Church of England where he was highest placed religious figure. Well, after God, of course.

The third step to being a great tyrant is to allow yourself to be possessed by the fear that all those around you are constantly planning to end your reign. Your ruling then should be laced with the poisons of paranoia. You should allow your new wife to convince you that she’s the only one whom you may trust. You should also execute those whom you distrust. One cannot be a great tyrant without any executions. Found a new potential enemy? Lock them up in the Tower of London, have them hanged, chop their heads off. Whatever punishment you decide to have delivered make it extraordinary and make it public. Your people must fear you.

Once you find out that your second wife may have been cheating on you, have her head chopped off as well. That was exactly what Henry VIII did to wifey number 2, Anne Boleyn, whom he had grown sick and tired of. Oh! Make sure to go out and play tennis with your friends while your wife is being executed, Henry VIII was having a great time at the tennis court while Anne’s head was being severed. Keep in mind that it is essential that you do not become too attached to your wives as you will end up divorcing or beheading most of them. Henry VIII had a total of six wives: of which two had their heads chopped off, two were divorced, one died during childbirth and the last outlived the tyrant.

The fourth and last step to ruling like King Henry VIII is to allow yourself to indulge in the best types of food that Tutor England can offer you. It is said that Henry VIII’s waist grew a total of 17 inches in the course of just 4 years and this was a result of his diet and lack of exercise in old age. If you were to adapt the same sort of lifestyle then you too will probably develop all of the medical conditions that led Henry to his death. Who knows, maybe your body will also blow up in your coffin due to all of the trapped gases in your corpse- just as Henry VIII’s body did.

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9 Reasons Crocs Are The Only Shoes You Need

Crocs have holes so your swag can breathe.

Do you have fond childhood objects that make you nostalgic just thinking about your favorite Barbie or sequenced purse? Well for me, its my navy Crocs. Those shoes put me through elementary school. I eventually wore them out so much that I had to say goodbye. I tried Airwalks and sandals, but nothing compared. Then on my senior trip in New York City, a four story Crocs store gleamed at me from across the street and I bought another pair of Navy Blue Crocs. The rest is history. I wear them every morning to the lake for practice and then throughout the day to help air out my soaking feet. I love my Crocs so much, that I was in shock when it became apparent to me that people don't feel the same. Here are nine reasons why you should just throw out all of your other shoes and settle on Crocs.

1. They are waterproof.

These bad boys can take on the wettest of water. Nobody is sure what they are made of, though. The debate is still out there on foam vs. rubber. You can wear these bad boys any place water may or may not be: to the lake for practice or to the club where all the thirsty boys are. But honestly who cares because they're buoyant and water proof. Raise the roof.

2. Your most reliable support system

There is a reason nurses and swimming instructors alike swear by Crocs. Comfort. Croc's clogs will make you feel like your are walking on a cloud of Laffy Taffy. They are wide enough that your toes are not squished, and the rubbery material forms perfectly around your foot. Added bonus: The holes let in a nice breeze while riding around on your Razor Scooter.

3. Insane durability

Have you ever been so angry you could throw a Croc 'cause same? Have you ever had a Croc bitten while wrestling a great white shark? Me too. Have you ever had your entire foot rolled like a fruit roll up but had your Crocs still intact? Also me. All I know is that Seal Team 6 may or may not have worn these shoes to find and kill Osama Bin Laden. Just sayin'.

4. Bling, bling, bling

Jibbitz, am I right?! These are basically they're own money in the industry of comfortable footwear. From Spongebob to Christmas to your favorite fossil, Jibbitz has it all. There's nothing more swag-tastic than pimped out crocs. Lady. Killer.

5. So many options

From the classic clog to fashionable sneakers, Crocs offer so many options that are just too good to pass up on. They have fur lined boots, wedges, sandals, loafers, Maryjane's, glow in the dark, Minion themed, and best of all, CAMO! Where did your feet go?!

6. Affordable

Crocs: $30

Feeling like a boss: Priceless

7. Two words: Adventure Straps

Because you know that when you move the strap from casual mode chillin' in the front to behind the heal, it's like using a shell on Mario Cart.

8. Crocs cares

Okay, but for real, Crocs is a great company because they have donated over 3 million pairs of crocs to people in need around the world. Move over Toms, the Croc is in the house.

9. Stylish AF

The boys will be coming for you like Steve Irwin.

Who cares what the haters say, right? Wear with pride, and go forth in style.

Cover Image Credit: Chicago Tribune

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From One Nerd To Another

My contemplation of the complexities between different forms of art.


Aside from reading Guy Harrison's guide to eliminating scientific ignorance called, "At Least Know This: Essential Science to Enhance Your Life" and, "The Breakthrough: Immunotherapy and the Race to Cure Cancer" by Charles Graeber, an informative and emotional historical account explaining the potential use of our own immune systems to cure cancer, I read articles and worked on my own writing in order to keep learning while enjoying my winter break back in December. I also took a trip to the Guggenheim Museum.

I wish I was artistic. Generally, I walk through museums in awe of what artists can do. The colors and dainty details simultaneously inspire me and remind me of what little talent I posses holding a paintbrush. Walking through the Guggenheim was no exception. Most of the pieces are done by Hilma af Klint, a 20th-century Swedish artist expressing her beliefs and curiosity about the universe through her abstract painting. I was mostly at the exhibit to appease my mom (a K - 8th-grade art teacher), but as we continued to look at each piece and read their descriptions, I slowly began to appreciate them and their underlying meanings.

I like writing that integrates symbols, double meanings, and metaphors into its message because I think that the best works of art are the ones that have to be sought after. If the writer simply tells you exactly what they were thinking and how their words should be interpreted, there's no room for imagination. An unpopular opinion in high school was that reading "The Scarlet Letter" by Nathaniel Hawthorne was fun. Well, I thought it was. At the beginning of the book, there's a scene where Hawthorne describes a wild rosebush that sits just outside of the community prison. As you read, you are free to decide whether it's an image of morality, the last taste of freedom and natural beauty for criminals walking toward their doom, or a symbol of the relationship between the Puritans with their prison-like expectations and Hester, the main character, who blossoms into herself throughout the novel. Whichever one you think it is doesn't matter, the point is that the rosebush can symbolize whatever you want it to. It's the same with paintings - they can be interpreted however you want them to be.

As we walked through the building, its spiral design leading us further and further upwards, we were able to catch glimpses of af Klint's life through the strokes of her brush. My favorite of her collections was one titled, "Evolution." As a science nerd myself, the idea that the story of our existence was being incorporated into art intrigued me. One piece represented the eras of geological time through her use of spirals and snails colored abstractly. She clued you into the story she was telling by using different colors and tones to represent different periods. It felt like reading "The Scarlet Letter" and my biology textbook at the same time. Maybe that sounds like the worst thing ever, but to me it was heaven. Art isn't just art and science isn't just science. Aspects of different studies coexist and join together to form something amazing that will speak to even the most untalented patron walking through the museum halls.

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