How to Rule Like Henry VIII

How to Rule Like Henry VIII

Extraordinary Tips to Mold You into a Terrific Tyrant
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If leading a reign of terror, powdered by the obsessive thought that everyone is plotting against you, is what you wish to do; then you should probably follow the footsteps of the not-so- great King Henry VIII. The suggestions provided to you here will advise you in how to construct your life in a manner that will permit you to become a hated King, with multiple ex-wives and numerous enemies.

The first step to becoming a ruler, like Henry VIII, requires that you are born of noble birth in the 15th century Tutor family of Britain. Evidently, peasants are far too dimwitted and cannot be expected to rule a monarchy. Although being the first born is the key to claiming the rights to the throne, you mustn’t worry if you are not the eldest of your father’s sons. The Middle Ages is plagued with various incurable illnesses and your older brothers are most likely going to perish as victims to such diseases. Henry’s older brother Arthur was originally the first in line to be king, but, as he passed away it was Henry who was crowned king at seventeen years of age.

Secondly, you must acquire a wife. If you’re lucky enough your father will annul your deceased brother’s marriage and gift you with your brother’s young widow, just as Henry VII did after his son, Arthur, passed away. Henry VIII’s first wife, Catherine of Aragon, was actually his ex-sister-in-law. Needless to say, complex family ties are the basis for the creation of every proper tyrant.

You should also keep in mind that if after two decades of marriage your wife fails to give you a male heir, you should simply divorce her and acquire yourself a younger bride. Well, of course it won’t be all that simple to obtain the Roman Catholic Church’s approval for your divorce, but, you are the king! God’s will is for your reign to be eternal and prosperous. So, just do as Henry VIII did, make your own bloody church. Catherine of Aragon was incapable of producing a male heir for the Tutor line, although she had been married to King Henry VIII for twenty-four years. That old hag needed to be disposed of and luckily the Protestant Reformation provided Henry VIII with the chance to obtain a divorce, after he had established the new Church of England where he was highest placed religious figure. Well, after God, of course.

The third step to being a great tyrant is to allow yourself to be possessed by the fear that all those around you are constantly planning to end your reign. Your ruling then should be laced with the poisons of paranoia. You should allow your new wife to convince you that she’s the only one whom you may trust. You should also execute those whom you distrust. One cannot be a great tyrant without any executions. Found a new potential enemy? Lock them up in the Tower of London, have them hanged, chop their heads off. Whatever punishment you decide to have delivered make it extraordinary and make it public. Your people must fear you.

Once you find out that your second wife may have been cheating on you, have her head chopped off as well. That was exactly what Henry VIII did to wifey number 2, Anne Boleyn, whom he had grown sick and tired of. Oh! Make sure to go out and play tennis with your friends while your wife is being executed, Henry VIII was having a great time at the tennis court while Anne’s head was being severed. Keep in mind that it is essential that you do not become too attached to your wives as you will end up divorcing or beheading most of them. Henry VIII had a total of six wives: of which two had their heads chopped off, two were divorced, one died during childbirth and the last outlived the tyrant.

The fourth and last step to ruling like King Henry VIII is to allow yourself to indulge in the best types of food that Tutor England can offer you. It is said that Henry VIII’s waist grew a total of 17 inches in the course of just 4 years and this was a result of his diet and lack of exercise in old age. If you were to adapt the same sort of lifestyle then you too will probably develop all of the medical conditions that led Henry to his death. Who knows, maybe your body will also blow up in your coffin due to all of the trapped gases in your corpse- just as Henry VIII’s body did.

Cover Image Credit: http://www.puzzlehistory.com/store99.htm

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