This is an open letter to the girl who stole something of mine. Something that is terribly hard to replace. Perhaps it is so hard to replace because it is the only one I have. I suppose, now, "had" would be the more appropriate way to put it. Haven't had it since you entered my life.
As this year begins to enter the autumn and the leaves clothe the bare ground, I can't help but feel a change come over my mind as well. I just can't help, but be reminded of you. This fall will certainly be the toughest I have faced. For that, I have you to thank...
Give me back my fucking rake, Jenifer. I said you could borrow it. BORROW. Not fucking keep it. These leaves are gonna start piling up soon and I need it returned immediately.
Just because we broke up while you still had the rake does not mean you get to keep it. A break up doesn't mean you bequeath all my items in your possession. You gave back my sweatshirts, it's not that hard to return a god damn rake either. Don't tell me to buy a new one. I already bought one. The one YOU stole.
It's not like you still need it. Last time I was over I saw, like, three other rakes right next to it in your garage. Why do you need it? Why did you ever need it??! You have three other rakes, Jen. Are you starting a fucking collection or something? Three rakes is the stopping point for you. You already have enough for dual-handed raking, plus an extra for good measure. Four is just letting the situation spiral out of control.
If I'm being honest, I doubt those other three rakes were yours, too. There is no way I was the first. Knowing you with the knowledge I have now, I probably won't be the last either. To you, I was just another pawn with a soon-to-be-unkempt yard, you kleptomaniac cunt! You rake-hoarding whore. You have total disregard for anyone else's yard work that has to be done. Complete lack of empathy... Sounds a lot like you're a psychopath, to me. The only yard you care about getting raked it your own. Go figure.
Larceny is a crime, Jen. A CRIME. I don't want to sleep at night knowing I used to spend nights at a criminal's safe house. Don't do that to my mental health.
Next step is civil claims court, Jenifer. The ball is in your court. Or should I say the rake is in your yard. Give it the fuck back.
- Ethan Stone
