As I sit here on my unmade bed, in front of my half open, messy dresser, I cry out to you, feeling alone, tired, vulnerable, and hungry. I don't understand. I cock my head to the right and feel hot, long streams go down my face. Why have You forsaken me?
Why did I lose my friends? Why am I a slave to my emotions? Why did I let them take advantage of me? Why did you let me lose all that money? Why is fear ruining my life? Why do I shut down? God, don't you see them? The hot drops of never-ending rain landing on my knees? Look! Even the gray walls of my room reflect my heart. It gets harder and harder to pretend, God. No one gets me.
Why are you letting this happen?
I feel alone. I feel like they'll never accept me for who I am. I feel like you left me to get judged. I look at the sun, yet feel no warmth. I hear the ones I love tell me they're sorry, but I can't seem to let the words marinate.
Where are you?
God, don't you see me? I wake up in the middle of the night because all these fears haunt my dreams. Don't you see that sleep was my only escape?
But still, I feel You close, Abba. I feel your fire starting at my toes making its way to my tense shoulders, and to the crown of my head. I feel the angel nudge me to look up. I hear your whisper: Look at me. I hear You telling me to look at You, my healer, and to quit looking at my symptoms. So again, I stand before you at the side of my bed, feeling weak, tired, alone, and this time a little less hungry. My emotions and heart don't yet align with my spirit — but they will.
Help me renew my mind and shift my perspective. Remind me every day that this is not the end. You see the finished product, so walk me there. Yes, I am constantly reminding myself of figurative death, but You didn't stop there. That same resurrection power lives in me, so help me live in it.
You're not a God to waste anything, so I won't waste my tears. I will put a purpose to them, because that's what You intended.
So maybe I don't know why it's this particular mountain that I'm going through; however, I'm starting to understand why I need this mountain. Because I don't want to live a life where I don't need you. So I will put on my garment of praise, take back what's mine, return to where you've called me, and fight the good fight. So let me run with endurance the race set before me, like You intended me to do.