5 Times Post Malone Snuck Into My House And Started Eating All The Food In My Fridge
Community

5 Times Post Malone Snuck Into My House And Started Eating All The Food In My Fridge

I'm not complaining, but my fridge is looking a little empty.

120
5 Times Post Malone Snuck Into My House And Started Eating All The Food In My Fridge
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SC4xMk98Pdc

Life can be an unpredictable thing. I would know, because I keep getting into these bizarre patterns where strange things keep happening in my life. For a while, I was drinking White Claws with Jesus, and that does still happen on occasion, but lately, I've been dealing with the fact that hugely popular musical artist Post Malone keeps sneaking into my house and eating the food in my fridge. I guess these things just happen, but it still seems odd. Here are five times when this has occurred.

1. The first time

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SLsTskih7_I

I was just relaxing at home when I heard a strange noise coming from the kitchen. My heart started racing. I thought someone had broken into my house. I mean, I guess they had, but not the person I might expect. I went out to investigate and saw a tattooed man going through the refrigerator. I said, "Can I help you?" Then the man turned around. It was Post Malone. He said, "You don't mind if I just grab a snack, do you?" He was very polite. "No, I guess not. Go ahead," I replied. I mean, I wasn't going to tell Post Malone he couldn't have a snack. He continued to eat for a little while longer. Then he suddenly left and disappeared into the night, never to be seen by me again, or so I thought.

2. The second time

https://pixabay.com/photos/bottles-food-gallon-inside-light-1868175/

Nobody seemed to believe me when I told them about my encounter with Post Malone. I really should have gotten a picture with him. Luckily, another opportunity soon presented himself. I heard sounds emanating from the kitchen once again and upon investigating, I saw Post Malone taking a huge bite out of my leftover meatball sub that I had gotten from Subway the day before. I was a little annoyed because I was actually looking forward to eating the rest of that sub. "You don't mind, do you?" He asked me. I hesitated, then finally said, "no, I guess not. Go ahead." Then he demolished the rest of the sub like some sort of animal. It was literally like a jungle cat feasting upon a gazelle. Afterward, he disappeared once again, and I still didn't get a picture. All I was left with was the disgusting memory of Post Malone's eating habits.

3. The third time

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hzE5hz0ZZKw

At this point, Post Malone seemed to be getting sneakier. I didn't even hear him this time. I just so happened to be walking past the kitchen when I once again saw him rifling through my refrigerator like some sort of wild beast. I hadn't really thought about it up until then, but I also had no idea how he kept getting into my house. All the doors were locked each night, so I really did not know. He didn't see me yet, so I quickly got out my phone and snapped a picture of him just as he was gulping down a huge spoonful of peanut butter. I quickly moved so I could stay out of his sight and examine the picture. Then I saw it. Or, I didn't see it, to be precise. The picture was there, but Post Malone was not in it. It was almost as if my camera was unable to capture him. Was Post Malone a vampire? Maybe a werewolf? Some sort of otherworldly creature that could not be captured on camera? It seemed like a real possibility. When I looked back into the kitchen, Post Malone was gone. Also, the jar of peanut butter was still on the counter, which annoyed me slightly. I mean seriously Post Malone, at least clean up after yourself.

4. The fourth time

https://pixabay.com/photos/pasta-carbonara-spaghetti-712664/

My mind had been so consumed with the fact that Post Malone had been coming into my house and eating my food that I had barely even had time to stop to think about why he might be doing so in the first place. I made a mental note to ask him next time. I began hanging out in my kitchen at night, waiting for him to appear once more. It only took a few days. There he was, stuffing leftover spaghetti into his mouth while heating up a frozen chicken parmesan meal in the microwave. I guess he was really in the mood for pasta on that particular night. I then spoke. "So... Post Malone... it's not that I don't like having you here, I'm just wondering... why exactly do you keep coming here and eating all my food?" I felt that it was a pretty legitimate question. I mean, the guy is like a super famous singer/rapper, so I was pretty sure he could afford his own meals. He just had a new album come out too, so I figured he probably had a pretty busy schedule, which confused me even more because I didn't know how he could possibly have time to keep taking my food so often. He looked up at me with a mouth full of spaghetti, saying nothing. Then he finally spoke. "If you''ll excuse me," he said. "My chicken parm is ready." He took the meal out of the microwave and then suddenly disappeared in a puff of smoke. "Do you need a fork?" I called after him. But it was too late. He was gone. I guess he must have eaten the chicken parm with his hands, which I thought was kinda gross.

5. Yep, the fifth time

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wXhTHyIgQ_U

If I could not get his picture, then I had to at least get his autograph. It was honestly the least he could do, since my refrigerator was looking more and more barren ever since Post Malone had started demolishing its insides. I waited patiently for him to arrive once again, as I knew he would. Sure enough, he did. He was making himself a gigantic sandwich full of mayo, mustard, and every single type of lunchmeat imaginable. I let him finish making the sandwich because he seemed like one of those people who really get into the process of sandwich-making. Then as he took a bite, I asked him for his autograph, his facial hair dripping with mustard and little bits of turkey meat. "Sure," he gargled out through his mouthful of sandwich. I gave him some paper and a pencil on which to sign, and he did, but he also dripped a bunch of mayonnaise and roast beef onto the paper, almost like half his sandwich ended up on my autograph page. "Thanks," I said half sarcastically, not wanting to touch the disgusting sandwich bits that had made their way onto the paper. "No problem," said Post Malone. Then he returned to the fridge and took a peek inside. "You're running a little low on stuff, just so you know." I closed my eyes for a second in mild frustration. Then when I opened them, he was gone.

At this point, I have more or less just accepted the fact that when buying groceries, I have to think about not only myself, but Post Malone as well. I'm still not sure exactly why he keeps coming into my house and eating a large amount of the food in my refrigerator, but these things just happen, I guess.

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
Swoon

119 People Reveal How The Pandemic Has Affected Their Love Lives, And Honestly... Relatable

"I haven't been able to get out of the 'talking phase' with anyone."

The reality is, there's no part of life the pandemic hasn't affected. Whether it's your work life, your home life, your social life, or your love life, coronavirus (COVID-19) is wreaking havoc on just about everything — not to mention people's health.

When it comes to romance, in particular, people are all handling things differently and there's no "right way" of making it through, regardless of your relationship status (single, taken, married, divorced, you name it). So, some of Swoon's creators sought out to hear from various individuals on how exactly their love lives have been affected since quarantine began.

Keep Reading... Show less

- Though as a little girl, I had the silkiest, softest hair that would get compliments everywhere I went, since I turned about thirteen I've since had coarse, dry hair no amount of deep conditioning masks or sulfate-free shampoo could fix.

- I started using the Raincry's Condition Boar Bristle Brush several months ago, and while I noticed that my hair had been softer, silkier, and shinier than it had ever been, I didn't make the connection because I never thought a simple hairbrush could make any difference in my hair texture.

- I will be the first to admit that I thought it was ridiculous to spend nearly a hundred dollars on a hairbrush, but this one eliminates the need for me to use any heat tools or styling products on it.

- I put some oil or a serum in my hair when it's wet, brush my hair with the boar bristle brush once it's dry, and end up with the lowest maintenance, shiniest hair I've had since I was 8 years old.

@raincrybeauty

Keep Reading... Show less
YouTube

Bingeing a romantic comedy is always a good idea, and during this pandemic, these movies bring us one of the only elements of romance we can get. Through all the break-ups, obstacles, and struggles in our love lives, romantic comedies have always been there to make us laugh and keep us company while we cry.

While we love these movies for the beyond gorgeous male love interests, the female protagonists are still the ones we always remember. Although rom-coms are far from reality, it is always fun to imagine what our life would be like if a cinematic studio was behind our love life. So what does your favorite romantic comedies say about your dream guy?

Keep Reading... Show less

Whether you're in an unhealthy relationship currently, you know someone who is, or you just want to have these numbers saved just in case it could one day save someone's life (if not your own), this article is for you. Here are three numbers to save in your contacts ASAP so you can always be safe, both physically and mentally, in every relationship.

Keep Reading... Show less

As any poor college student, a little kick of caffeine for less than a dollar has always sounded great to me. So, naturally, AriZona Iced Tea has been a go-to for as long as I can remember.

Keep Reading... Show less

The NBA is back, and for basketball fans, like myself, it has been the BEST news we have heard since COVID-19 shutdown play indefinitely. I mean, come on, we need to see if James Harden can once again perform so well he has back-to-back 50 point games, Kawhi can lead another team to the championship title, and whether Giannis is going to be back-to-back MVP... among like 500 other things running through our heads!

In the midst of all of the amazing statistics and records that these players are breaking, though, we also just love the NBA because well, there are some pretty good looking guys out there. Here are the 19 hottest NBA players (in no particular order) you would totally let slam dunk on you now that the NBA has returned.

Keep Reading... Show less
Health and Wellness

Everything You Need To Know About Macronutrients, Because A Diet Should Be More Than Calories

Pay attention to what you're eating, not just how much you're eating.

Plenty of people are familiar with the "calories in, calories out" (CICO) method of dieting which can be used for losing, gaining, or maintaining weight. This method relies on calculating a person's total daily energy expenditure (TDEE) to ensure that they are not overeating or undereating to achieve their desired weight. TDEE considers a person's height, weight, age, gender, and level of activity to determine what their caloric intake should be — some calculators can factor in body fat percentage as well. When I used a TDEE calculator online, it said that my TDEE would be 1,990 calories if I was trying to maintain my weight, but are all calories created equal? I'd argue that they're not.

It might seem obvious to some of you that 1,990 calories of macaroni and cheese are not healthy at all compared to 1,990 calories of varied foods (fruit, veggies, meat, bread, etc.).

Keep Reading... Show less
Swoon

Just Because You're Asked To Be In A Wedding, Doesn't Always Mean You Should Say Yes

If you can't invest time, money, and YOURSELF, maybe say no to the offer for the bride's sake!

Being in a wedding is a really big commitment. I personally think if you've never been in one before, you don't understand the time, money, and energy that goes into being a part of it.

Keep Reading... Show less
Politics and Activism

Dear Closeted Latina,

You were never alone.

Remember how the Latin world got rocked when Ricky Martin came out?

Keep Reading... Show less

If you're anything like me, you're probably anxious about going back to college. The uncertainty of nearly everything is stressful and makes it difficult to prepare for going back to campus. Take it one step at a time and remain calm! If nothing else, take a look at this list of six essentials for living on campus during the COVID-19 pandemic! You got this!

Keep Reading... Show less

First, let's talk about some reasons people cheat in relationships in the first place:

1. They have low self-esteem.

Are you feeling like you are not good enough? Do you feel like you are not attractive enough? Feeling as if you are not worth the love can lead to self-sabotage.

Keep Reading... Show less
Facebook Comments