Lately, I've only been able to ask myself one thing: did I ever actually have you?
I didn't necessarily want to end it, but it also needed to happen in order for me to have a stable mindset again. I thought that was what was going to finally end my pain.
I just feel worse. Numb. Cold. Not able to go on. I honest to god cannot stop thinking about you. I just remember all of the good things that happened with us and they make me cry. I wish I could say you are a bad person. I wish I could say you treated me like garbage 100% of the time. I really wish you were bad news. The thing is, however, that none of those statements are true.
Because you are a good person. You didn't deliberately treat me like trash. You are good news.
So, tell me: did I ever have you? Did I ever have someone to rely on?
…did I ever have someone that loved me?
Towards the end I didn't even know who you were. I would keep my phone on my lap in class just in case you finally tried to message me and would cry when you didn't.
I think I finally concluded. You had me. You had literally all of me and have seen every inch of my body.
You had all of my love stashed inside a jar in the back of the cabinet, collecting dust and never to be seen again.
However, I never had you.