I’m generally a calm person, but nothing gets my blood boiling like when I try to put my hand in my pocket only to find that it’s sewn shut. I’m surprised every time, not for a lack of consistency but for the sheer stupidity of it all. Someone has actually taken the time to design the pockets, place them on the pants, and then to sew them shut—and for what? This question has baffled me for years, and in a recent attempt to find answers I’ve developed a few theories.
1. To make us buy purses
If we don’t have pockets to put our phones, wallets, and keys in, then we have no choice but to pour our savings into decorative sacks. It’s all a ploy for stores to make more money—and to reinforce “feminine” conventions, because what honest woman doesn’t carry around a cute little purse? (Answer: me, ever since my unicorn purse was stolen during Sunday School in the second grade. But I digress.)
Luckily, there’s another option for those of us who can’t keep track of a purse. If you’ve been keeping up with recent trends, you may have noticed that the fanny pack is making a comeback. What a novel idea: a space for your items that doesn’t require you to hold on to anything. Hmm, what does that sound like? That's right—the perfect accessory for those pocket-less pants. And it’ll only set you back about $20. Nice!
2. To make us dependent on men
Ever wonder why men have so many pockets? They have back pockets, front pockets, thigh pockets—and if that’s not enough, they’ve got shirt pockets, too. The most I’ve ever seen a guy carry on his person consisted of a wallet and keys. Something’s not adding up here.
Maybe all that extra space isn’t actually for his things, but for yours. If he’s got your phone and money in his pocket, you aren’t going anywhere. He has you, and your possessions, safely within reach. Everyone wins—just hope the date doesn’t go too poorly.
3. To make us look slimmer
Don’t women have enough junk in the trunk already? No room for any extra. Can’t have that phone or wallet messing with your figure (or obstructing the view, because that’s the only reason women wear tight pants, right?)
4. That’s all I’ve got
Because there is literally no plausible explanation for such an idiotic design choice. We’ve had so many revolutions in women’s clothing: we are no longer subject to swooning from corsets that are too tight, we don’t have to keep our ankles covered for fear of the scandal, and we can wear pants if we so choose. We have not come so far only to tolerate pockets that only look the part.
Ladies, I’m proposing a strike against false pockets: let’s check before we buy.