Planes, Trains, Automobiles, And Busses
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Planes, Trains, Automobiles, And Busses

How not to do your holiday travel

Planes, Trains, Automobiles, And Busses
DJ Cooper

The holiday season in full swing seems to bring travelers of all kinds out of the farthest reaches. Whether by plane, train, automobile, or bus; everyone is headed somewhere it seems. After recently taking a trip I discovered a few things about this. First, in a single trip, it is indeed possible to utilize all these modes of transportation in a single journey. While the adventure is one of the books, there are a few things I do not recommend doing.

1. Do not wear heels if you are flying into a large airport.

The hike from the farthest reaches of Cincinnati airport to the exit left me breathless with blisters. I am pretty sure I will never wear those boots again and stare them down with disdain while they stand stoically in their naughty corner

If you are not driving that two hours to this exceptionally cheap airport yourself, you could find yourself in a pickle, thank you Odyssey Transportation for saving me here. Assuming a bus or other mode of ground transportation will be available at 3 am will inevitably be a mistake leaving you scrambling for alternatives (that are incidentally never cheap).

2. Do not use the restroom on a bus while it is stopped.

Yes, you heard this right. At least while it is in motion, you know what is going on. You are moving with the movement of the bus as you exit and stagger up the aisle in an expected manner. Upon exiting said restroom, the sharp right turn set my unstable footing to the test by face planting me into the overhead bins.

3. Never, ever fall asleep before takeoff if you hope to get a snack or drink.

Of course, I am still in shock that I slept through the take-off of an airplane. However, if you do, your hopes of obtaining that Bloody Mary or bag of chips are nearly nil.

4. Never assume the check-in will be easy.

While checking in at one airport may require little more than putting your bag through the machine and walking past a metal detector. Another airport may very well strip search you and fondle all of your unmentionables in front of dozens of other passengers. (Maybe this is why I went to sleep before take-off) even still, (See #4 above) I think I’d have sooner had the Bloody Mary.

5. Don’t forget the water bottle in your purse at check-in.

This will raise a red flag, causing you to be treated like the Unabomber, necessitating the aforementioned fondling of your unmentionables (See #5 above).

6. And finally the infamous metal detector.

Never forget to remove the belt, steel-toed boots metal plate in your head. (Oh wait that one they have to live with). For if you fail to do so…(See #5 above).

As many may know traveling can be a challenge. Making it more so by not considering all factors can cause the trip to become long and painful, as in my return from Cincinnati. Where I left at 3:30 am to be there for the recommended check-in time of at least an hour ahead. Only to sit for 45 minutes after an embarrassing unmentionable fondling incident. Falling asleep and missing out on the snacks and booze that would surely lighten up the mood. (Ok, ok… so it was only 5:30 in the morning, but heck, whoever said 5 o’clock somewhere didn’t mean 5 am?). Once exiting the plane and getting outside the airport, I needed a Lyft (nice enough driver) to get me to the Amtrak train. Which, incidentally, may just be my next travel choice. It was surprisingly quite comfortable. Once arriving at the station, I had to head over to the bus terminal to catch an express bus to my hometown…Where I needed another Lyft (not so good this time…the back door hit me in the head while trying load my luggage…as if the bus bashing were not enough) to get me home at 3:30 in the afternoon. Exhausted I slept the next 13 hours.

And after calculating the costs, I found that it would have been cheaper to just fly out of my local airport.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

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