It is hard for us as humans to admit our greatest fears. Our pride tells us not to ever admit to be weaker than what we feel we need to appear as. For some reason, we have this engraved notion in our minds that fear is a weakness. At least thats what I have always thought. I always believed that if I showed I was scared, it would make me look weak. No one would respect me if I looked weak. People would take advantage of me if I looked weak. All of these ideals had been the foundation of the way I chose to live my life for years.
To others I probably appeared cold, rigid, and unapproachable but to myself I was strong, determined, and wouldn't let anyone see me for less than what I was. Do you know how exhausting that is? How tiring wearing a facade 24 hours a day 7 days of the week is? Its physically and emotionally draining. To act as if nothing in your life scares you or worries you or that you're always going to be okay is one of the worst ways to live your life.
Ive come to learn that it is okay to be afraid. Personally, most of my fears are driven by my anxiety. Many of them are derived from irrational thoughts that keep me awake at night and make my heart race during the day. Others are very much realistic. The fear of disappointing my parents, the fear of not being deemed a "good student", the fear of not getting into grad school, the fear of never becoming what I have always dreamed of. All of these fears pop in my mind at any moment of the day, yet to others I try to appear as if nothing can shake me. Its almost as if I try to convince myself that I'm able to conquer anything without fear of the future, simply because I don't want others to know my internal struggles.
If theres one thing Ive learned, it's that fear is very much real. Fear is okay. Fear is normal. Fear is felt by everyone. One of the most important lessons I've learned is that there is no reason to fear. My mom sends me Bible verses every morning and some days I read them and think of how I can apply that to whats going on currently in my life . Most days, however; I just send her an endearing "I love you" back and don't think much of the verses.
During one of the most stressful semesters of my college career, I realized that amidst the mental breakdowns and stress, I still have an overwhelming sense of peace.
It is hard for me to understand how the big guy in the sky works, but when he wants me to know he's with me, he makes it known. I no longer fear the future because I have peace in the fact that there is a plan for my life greater than my own understanding and anxieties. Fear can no longer overwhelm me. It does not own me anymore. I am not ashamed of it anymore. I am greater than my fear.