Dear Walnuts,
Please stop hitting my car. Every time the wind blows you find a way of missing all the open sidewalk and driveway and just hit my car. When I come to drive there is always a new, deep, dent that has shown up on the exterior of my car. It feels as if you are aiming – your pollen cakes my car as well. I do not know what I have done to you. I am sorry though.
I understand that it is fall and it is what you do every season. You can feel the change in the breeze and recognize that all the birds are moving south, but does that mean you have to hit my car? There is some lush grass if you could just move two feet to the right. If you want to hit where my car is, could you just wait? I am usually gone for five hours a day.
One time as I was leaving for work, I saw one of you just fall down and smash against the pavement below. It was not a gentle fall. It was so quick that I barely missed it and it had a sound of a deep thud when it hit the ground. The force had caused the outer layer of the walnut to smash off and left the inner seed exposed.
Is this what is hitting my car? If so – if it hit me on the head it would render me unconscious.
Not only are you leaving dents in my car, but your smushed exteriors make it difficult to drive. Every time I run one of you over there is a loud explosion. I can feel your circular body be forced into the hair after being hit. I am afraid you may pop my tire. In addition, you make the ground hard to walk on and one day when walking to my door I managed to slip on you and then twist my ankle when I stopped on the hard inner-shell.
I am pleading with you walnuts, but do not take that as a submission. I am willing to go to war too. If you do not stop terrorizing the tenants of this house I will run over every one of your seedlings and so that no one will ever become a tree. I will risk having a flat tire to ensure that I will win. In addition, I will cut off all of the branches that barely hang over into the property. I will make sure that you will never have another chance to hit my car or anyone else’s car for the matter.
Thank you for your time. I suggest you stop hitting my car.
Your Angry Neighbor
P.S. You do not look very much like I thought you would.
