This last week has been the hardest, longest, and most physically exhausting week of my life. To be quite frankly honest, I didn't know if I was going to make it through the week. I started sleeping over 17 hours a day as a way to avoid thinking. Even when I would get up at two in the afternoon, I would go back to sleep in an hour, because I found consciousness and having to listen to my thoughts of absolute self-loathing to be the most energy-sapping activity I have ever experienced.
I could not bear to leave my room and when I did manage to get to class, I felt that everyone I spoke to hated me and was somehow glaring at me. I did not know if I was behaving oddly or what I was seeing was a construct of my own imagination. I ended up leaving my class early because I found it physically painful to be around people. The dark cloud surrounding me seemed to grow and grow until I couldn't see or feel anything beyond the throbbing ache that was being alive.
My usual loneliness felt particularly threatening at that moment because it went beyond simply not having a friend to share lunch with, but now it was having no one to loosen the metaphorical noose around my neck. I could tell no one about my pain, and at that moment I knew, if this feeling of utter devastation and hopelessness did not kill me, it would somehow make me stronger. It was a passing thought at the moment, probably my only thought of optimism. However, as I am coming out of the haze now, slowly and deliberately, I do feel a bit stronger.
The truth is I never want to feel like that again, but I know I will. It is the consequence of being someone who is riddled with mental and physical ailments. No day is easy, but some days feel absolutely unbearable. Most of the time, I feel I am better off without a friend, but these last couple of days, all I have yearned for is a hug and someone to tell me that this pain will manifest into a beautiful life. I have gotten neither and my loneliness continues to be a question mark in the pages of the novel that is my journey.
Did I make the right decision by isolating myself? Am I capable of being in healthy, functional relationships? Am I better off alone? I don't have these answers, perhaps on another bad day, I'll find out.