Let’s face it: It’s 2018. Times are changing, and the LGBTQIA community is becoming more and more accepted in societies around the world. However, we’re still a LOOOONG way from equality, and even further away from equity.
As these changes become part of contemporary culture, many people (including within the community) want to help and support their family members, friends, co-workers, etc.
But there’s not really a guide to alliance, and many well-meaning allies don’t understand how to properly support the community. Even with the best intentions, allies can offend, divide, or harm the community they’re trying to help.
So if you consider yourself an ally in any form – or even if you’re part of the community – here are some simple tips to support your LGBTQIA peers.
Labels, Terms, And Slurs
Queer and/or Gay (Or Neither)
Nobody in the community is exactly the same. Some people will use different terms to describe themselves, but that does not invalidate their perspectives and you should respect those terms. You also should not assume what terms to use when referring to someone.
There’s no catch-all term for the LGBTQIA community. Many people do not feel comfortable being labeled as “gay” because it does not describe their identity.
For example, intersex and transgender people who identify as heterosexual may be offended by the linkage of gender identity and sexuality.
Some people have begun to use the term “queer” instead which used to be (and can still be) considered a slur against the community. However, there are many folks who are uncomfortable with this term as well and have had negative experiences with it, and you should never automatically assume that someone is fine with this identity. Long story short: just ask!
Reclaiming Slurs: Complex, Yet Simple
That being said, I must re-emphasize: it is SOLELY up to someone in a respective community to what terms they must use. Do not use slurs unless you are reclaiming them. Reclaiming is a process where LGBTQIA people use the words of their oppressors in order to “reclaim” their power.
It is somewhat controversial and people may not believe in reclaiming slurs. That being said: If you are not in that community, you should never reclaim a slur that’s not yours.
If you do not identify as a lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, sapphic, queer, etc. femme or woman, you should not use the word dike to refer to yourself, and especially not to refer to others. If you are cis, you should absolutely never use the word “tr*nny” because that is ABSOLUTELY NOT your word to reclaim.
Invalidating Identities: A No-No!
There are a few identities in the LGBTQIA community that face unique struggles including bisexuality, pansexuality, and many identities under the transgender umbrella. While the concepts of identities may appear similar, and someone may identify with several, it does not make them the same identity, and it does not invalidate the existence of any.
A big example: Bisexuality is NOT “outdated pansexuality”, and pansexuality is NOT “special-snowflake bisexuality.” I am personally comfortable using both terms to describe myself but typically introduce myself as bi. You need to respect the terms people use even if it “doesn’t make sense” to you.
Microaggressions, Stereotypes, And More!
Please Stop With The Attack Helicopters
Listen, I get it. It appears that many new genders and sexualities are “popping up” everywhere and it’s hard to understand sometimes. But those jokes you make, or that you let your friends make, are invalidating as HELL. When you make those jokes or allow them to happen, you are actively harming the LGBTQIA community.
"But I like these jokes!" You may say. Imagine this: you spent your whole life in the closet feeling different, weird, and morally wrong. You’ve been threatened, attacked, or abused for your identity.
Finally, you gain the courage to be yourself among your friends. Your friends then make jokes along the lines of “I don’t get your identity, therefore it is wrong.” You’re back in that closet again. There’s a difference between a good joke and thinly veiled transphobia.
I’m Not Your Gay Best Friend (Or Your Fetish)
Here’s a newsflash: LGBTQIA people are STILL people. We are more than just a stereotype or a toy for you to use. You cannot simplify us to our sexuality or gender, and you can DEFINITELY leave me alone if you’re going to treat me like an object.
Do not ever ask a gay man to be your gay best friend. Do not make inappropriate comments towards your lesbian friends regarding lesbian porn. Do not ask bisexuals or pansexuals for a threesome.
Do not call trans people traps. Do not say “omg this trans person looks better than me!” because that implies they’re supposed to be lesser than you.
I Am Also Not Your Teacher (Or Experiment)
People who don’t know much about the community naturally have questions about it. Many of us are willing to educate you and help you out – but respect the ones that don’t want to.
Also consider this: if you wouldn’t ask a straight or cis person that question, why would you ask them?
It’s not my job to explain to you how cis women have sex together, so please stop asking me that. It’s weird.
It is also not my job to have sex with you because you’re “unsure” and “experimenting.” I completely understand the curiosity, but not everyone is comfortable talking about these things, and not everyone has interest in sex to begin with.
Identity, Inclusion, and Intersectionality
I’d Prefer If You Didn’t Prefix With “Preferred”
“Preferred pronouns” are just someone’s “pronouns” unless stated otherwise. The preferred is not necessary unless someone is not completely “out” yet. Pronouns can be confusing, but many people understand if you mess up because people are only human.
Not only that but please respect your friend’s entire journey of their gender identity. If your friend is still unsure of their identity or simply uses multiple pronouns, you can always ask which they would like to use that day. If your friend is out in some spaces but not all, you can ask how to refer to them in safe and non-safe spaces.
And especially: if your friend is completely out and only uses she/hers (or he/his), do not say they/them instead to “skate around” the subject. This is especially common with trans women – don’t avoid their identity!
All Or Nothing
You cannot support only parts of the LGBTQIA community and call yourself an ally. There is more than the L and G. Trans people are often excluded from false allies definitions. You must support all individuals in the community or you do not support the community. You also must support “all-the-way” – not halfheartedly or when you feel like it.
This also applies in another way that many people do not realize. It doesn’t matter if someone is a terrible person, you respect their identity. Many people misgender Caitlyn Jenner because she’s “problematic” – and that’s not okay.
You also cannot call gay people “f*ggots” because they seem like the "stereotypical gay" to you. And if you are in the community, you should NOT call other people “special snowflakes” because their personality differs from yours.
There Is More To LGBTQIA Than LGBTQIA
People in this community often have other identities that intersect with their LGBTQIA identity. Racism, sexism, classism, and xenophobia are unfortunately problems that are part of this community. I am not *just* a bisexual person, I am also a low-income Hispanic female.
If someone brings up their identity in another aspect, you should respect it. Often these identities are tied in life experiences and identity formation.
My experience as a low-income LGBTQIA person will probably be different than the experience of an upper-class LGBTQIA person. Both of our perspectives matter.
Okay, TLDR TIME: I'm Tired Of Reading
TLDR: Be respectful. If someone calls you out, do not get defensive. And if someone approaches you with a new perspective, do not shut them down immediately.
In order to be an ally, you have to be TRULY open-minded and willing to learn; from your friends, and from your mistakes.
