It's crazy how much you had affected me. Our relationship was one that only a few are blessed to experience. From the day we met, we hit it off so quickly. There was never awkwardness when we were together, us being together seemed so perfect; the conversations we spoke, the laughs we had, and the memories we made together. You said I was someone you could truly vibe with just by being yourself. You said you truly did see us having something in the future. Likewise, I told you how you were someone who truly could make me laugh and that just being with you made me forget about the responsibilities of life. It is sad to see that now we can't even bear to look at each other and that we can't even be in the same room anymore. 

You see, you knew what you were doing was wrong, but I also did a disservice to myself by allowing you to. I knew better than to trust you and let you in. I knew what type of person you were before anything started and I still allowed this thing between us to grow. It is not only your fault, it is mine. I put myself in the position to get hurt. Do not think that everyone who enters your life and then leaves struggles because of you. I do not want you to ever think that what I am dealing with right now is your fault. In truth, I was willing to get hurt to see what we could have had and what we could have been. That was the risk I was willing to take, and I took it. This pain and journey I am dealing with now do include the presence of you but at the end of the day, it was me who caused this to myself.

You see, after calling it off with you, my brain was in darkness for a long time. I was in no mood to do anything. Not even the pressures of finals, losing my scholarship, or getting kicked out of my major made me want to do anything. I was a living corpse for such a long time. I had sleepless nights and cried myself to sleep for so many days. I've driven hundreds of miles just because I couldn't get you out of my mind. I took winter break as a way to get rid of you but for some reason, you were still there. 

It was a hard and tiring journey. It was one of being lost, mentally exhausted, and the never-ending presence of being numb but I made it. I've gotten out of the forest that was the memories of you. I have reached the end of the dark tunnel that was of the thoughts of you. Now thinking of your smile no longer brings sadness to me. The memories of us laughing is nothing but a memory. A part of me is still not fully grasping that I have started to move on, but I truly am moving on. 

What truly had gotten me over you was how you left and how you chose not to fight even for our friendship. When my guy best friend told you to block me out of everything, you did not hesitate to do so. You did not fight nor question it, you just listened. When we rekindled after I cut you off, you told me your initial thought was just "oh okay." When I told you that my cousin warned me to about guys like you, you replied: "yeah we are just a bunch of whores." That alone should have made me run for the hills and yet I ignored all signs. But what truly has allowed me to move on from you was this, you told me one of your old flings wanted to meet up when we were together. As soon as I told you I wanted a break, you agreed and said you would've talked to me about it next week. Then the very next day, I see that girl you had a fling with posted on your social media. Without any remorse or care for my feelings, you just went back to her. This is what truly showed me you never gave a fuck about me. You never cared for me at all. So why would I let myself mope and be sad over someone who never truly cared about me? I'll admit it took me longer than I expected, but now I am free.

It's kind of funny. The first day after winter break, I saw you catch glances at me. I saw the way you packed your bags as soon as you saw me pack mine too for class. You wanted to walk to class together like we use to and I didn't allow you to. Instead, I subtly mentioned I was seeing someone else, someone I knew would treat me right. From that day on, I haven't seen you since. A part of me wonders how you feel? Knowing you and how you have reacted in the past, you probably don't care. But you know what, an ounce of me still wants to believe you at least cared for me enough to be slightly hurt. That a small part of you realized the only girl who cared for you and who was able to break your walls and insecurities is now gone. That the girl who cared so much for you and your happiness, that she was willing to hurt and lose herself in the process, is no longer in your grasp and doesn't want you anymore. I believe you knew you truly lost someone special. Not because I want to feel validated in your feelings for me, but I know I was different from the others. I was the only one who made you cry by the words I told you and that is something only you and I know. Even if this article some how makes it to you, it doesn't matter if you feel anything for this or not. This is my final and permanent goodbye to you. This will be the final page of a chapter in my life that I have now finished.

So, to the boy who temporarily broke me, I thank God we met. You have shown me how strong I truly am. If I can get through feelings months of being numb and empty inside, then I can conquer anything I can put my mind to. At the end of the day, I still wish for your happiness and success. Just know that I will not be standing there beside or near you when you do. Why? Because I am busy also trying to find happiness and success in my own life. Maybe the Lord brought us both together to a realization. You needed to focus on becoming your better self and I needed to learn to live for myself and be selfish for once. So, Gabriel, I wish you the best on your journey, but it is now time for me to take on mine. The one that includes a life without you in my life; as a friend or a lover.