November 2nd 2016 was the day my life had dramatically changed. A few weeks earlier I had been told that my grandfather was in the hospital due to heart complications that left him with only 15% of his heart actually working. My mind told me that he was very ill and I had limited time with him but my heart wanted to believe that he was immortal and I would be able to see him for the rest of my life. Sadly, my heart was wrong.  As my parents got wrapped up in other things, I wasn't able to see him after that. I didn't realize how limited his time actually was. The last memory I have with my grandfather is me holding his hand and saying "Feel better Grandpa, I love you. I'll see you soon". The days until I see him again couldn't come fast enough. 

On November 2nd 2016 he passed away in his home with my grandma by his side. I remember waking up that morning excited about something for school but when my mom said she had something to tell me I had a feeling it was about him. She sat with me in my bed and broke the most painful news I had ever heard. I wasn't sure what to do, I just broke into tears and I didn't care about anything else. You can never prepare yourself enough for moments like these. I felt so much guilt for not seeing him again after going to the hospital. I was mad at my parents for not making time to take me, I was mad at myself for not making them, and most of all I was mad at God for taking him away from me. I had spent about 50% of my time at my grandparents house since they lived right down the road from me. I so vividly remember every time we went out for a drive my grandma got in the drivers seat, my grandpa in the passengers and me in the back. Before even backing out of the garage my grandpa would turn and smile at me and grab my foot to make me laugh. He always had a Halls cough drop in his mouth which made the entire car smell like the honey and lemon kind. I remember his thick glasses that made everything so blurry to me. I remember at family parties when I was alone because everyone was so much older than me, he would come and talk to me so I didn't feel alone. He was so close to me and I could never thank him enough for everything he has done for me and everything he has taught me. 

When it came time for his wake and funeral I found myself crying in the bathroom more than being at the actual ceremony. It was too hard for me to be in the room. On the day of his funeral I went to the church ceremony in the morning but I didn't get to go to the burial. My father was angry at my grandmother because of events that took place a year prior so he didn't want to go. I can't forgive him for not swallowing his pride and putting away his ego for one day just so I could go say my final goodbyes but I can't do anything about it now. I went back to school after the ceremony hoping I could get my mind off of it but any time anyone mentioned something about their grandparents or a thing my grandpa used to do, I felt tears welling up and I had to leave. 

A year later I still get emotional whenever I see his picture or am reminded of things that make me think of him. His death never got easier, I just learned to cope with it better. Its hard to accept someone's death. I know that he is forever in my heart but that doesn't make me not want him to be here physically any less. My advice to readers is never take time for granted. You may feel like you have the rest of your life to spend with those you love but in reality you don't. Time goes by so quickly and you never want to say "I regret not spending enough time with you". 

Rest in Peace Pa