Dear all other majors,
I can respect that you weren't up to the task of being an English major. The way I see it there are four types of people aside from English majors. I don't have beef with all of you, but there are some things I have to point out about the rest.
1. The appreciators
The first person is the one who appreciates English majors, but not enough to be an English major. Maybe you have a minor in English. Maybe you like to read during breaks. You guys are great. I love you. Keep it up. I know that being an English major isn't for everyone. Thank you for respecting my decision to be one, though.
By the way, people like you are my favorite to go to when I am writing fiction. I always need someone who isn't looking for the deeply critical flaws in my writing. You're truly the best!
2. The poser
The second person is the person who thinks they are a writer, but not really. You write in your free time and think that you know what you are doing. I'm not saying that there aren't great writers out there who aren't English majors, but there is a pretty large number of people who think they are the next James Joyce (if you don't know who that is and still consider yourself a writer, you're in this group), but can barely string together a sentence.
You can't take criticism and won't listen when people try to actually help you craft-wise. (The term "craft" is what English majors use to describe writing for all of you non-English majors.) Please don't try to tell me that you are of the same caliber as me when all you write is fan fiction about relationships that never happened in whatever media you're into.
3. The intimidated
The third type of person is the one who is genuinely terrified of English majors. Heads up, we don't bite. Actually, if you befriend us, we will probably help you with all of your papers. You are the person who when we tell you about being an English major, your eyes grow wide and you murmur something along the lines of "Oh man, I could never do that." Then you will usually say something about how you are looking into being a literal rocket scientist or something on that level.
We think you are doing something just as equally as hard as you think we are doing. You're kind of terrifying too. Aside from that though, you are great people to have around. I know, you'll never touch a book, and I can't rely on you to be my guinea pigs for any fiction that I come up with, but sometimes it's nice to get out of English mode for a little bit
4. The condescending
I hate you. You are the person who thinks that we choose to be English majors because it's easy. You look down on us because you think that your degree is better than mine. Maybe you think that I will end up flipping burgers at some fast food restaurant while you're the CEO of a company. Guess what, English isn't as easy as you think. I know. You're thinking, "well haven't you been speaking it your entire life?" And you're right, but what you don't understand is the analytical part of being an English major.
We have to look at humanity at face value. We try our best to observe what it is that people do with their lives and how the act. Then we use that information to say something about the world. We don't just write simple stories. There is always a purpose. We write to say something of importance. We are looking at the way people can influence the world. Maybe you have forgotten, but everything is controlled by the media. Who controls the media?
A large part of that is English majors. English majors are the ones writing scripts and working with marketing teams. English majors are the ones who hide themes and messages sublingually into images painted in words on a billboard as well as in texts. We are not future burnouts. If you think we are, maybe you need to look at your future a little closer and hope that you aren't going to be the burnout instead.
There is a fine line between success and failure.
Make sure you're on the right side of that line because I'm telling you this, there are quite a few English majors who will be analyzing your actions regardless of where you end up. Your attitude towards them will determine if you are the hero or the person who dies first in someone's story. So, watch out.
