Too many tourists
Too many people who don't know where they're going
Walk with some urgency
This isn't my city
but it's starting to feel like it
Standing right on the yellow of the platform
Inches away from the car doors
I push my way in
Finesse my way into an open seat
at the exact moment someone stands out
I'm in Central Park right now
the past week weighing heavy on my heart
Sitting on this rock,
pen in hand
Scribbling words onto the page
How odd
The final form of this passage will be reduced to a default black, serif font against a plain white background
Something about this city
I can be whoever, whatever I want
When I sit back in my seat
and my heart races for the people hobbling down the staircase to catch the train I'm already in
Come on, you can make it, I think
as they slip between the closing doors
I've been carrying my life around in the same tote bag all summer;
randomly found in my house back home
Who I am here is different
than who I am there
I still hate holding onto the poles on the train
The griminess and weird smells and the air conditioning that just never seems to be at the right temperature
Yesterday, I decided to listen to Coloring Book
The next song on queue was "How Great"
The performer on the train began singing --
How great is our God
Sing with me,
how great is our God
This is more than just a coincidence
I haven't been searching for signs
But I'm seeing them all around me
You know when you sit outside
on the front porch, in the middle of the grass, on a park bench, wherever
and you're enjoying the breeze
the soft buzz of everything around you
But the summer critters keep crawling and flying around
That's where I'm at right now
Enjoying the big picture,
but getting distracted by the little things
Balance
I'm trying to find balance
Everyone is so supportive
But
I just don't know what I want
I know what I don't want
But I'm searching for more, something different
Everything I need, everything I want
It already exists within myself
It always has been
The saying goes,
Fake it till you make it
But at this point, I'm not even faking it
I didn't have to move across the country to find it in me
But if I hadn't - I wouldn't be where I am in this moment
And I'm so happy to be here.
