Too many tourists

Too many people who don't know where they're going

Walk with some urgency

This isn't my city

but it's starting to feel like it

Standing right on the yellow of the platform

Inches away from the car doors

I push my way in

Finesse my way into an open seat

at the exact moment someone stands out

I'm in Central Park right now

the past week weighing heavy on my heart

Sitting on this rock,

pen in hand

Scribbling words onto the page

How odd

The final form of this passage will be reduced to a default black, serif font against a plain white background

Something about this city

I can be whoever, whatever I want

When I sit back in my seat

and my heart races for the people hobbling down the staircase to catch the train I'm already in

Come on, you can make it, I think

as they slip between the closing doors

I've been carrying my life around in the same tote bag all summer;

randomly found in my house back home

Who I am here is different

than who I am there

I still hate holding onto the poles on the train

The griminess and weird smells and the air conditioning that just never seems to be at the right temperature

Yesterday, I decided to listen to Coloring Book

The next song on queue was "How Great"

The performer on the train began singing --

How great is our God

Sing with me,

how great is our God

This is more than just a coincidence

I haven't been searching for signs

But I'm seeing them all around me

You know when you sit outside

on the front porch, in the middle of the grass, on a park bench, wherever

and you're enjoying the breeze

the soft buzz of everything around you

But the summer critters keep crawling and flying around

That's where I'm at right now

Enjoying the big picture,

but getting distracted by the little things

Balance

I'm trying to find balance

Everyone is so supportive

But

I just don't know what I want

I know what I don't want

But I'm searching for more, something different

Everything I need, everything I want

It already exists within myself

It always has been

The saying goes,

Fake it till you make it

But at this point, I'm not even faking it

I didn't have to move across the country to find it in me

But if I hadn't - I wouldn't be where I am in this moment

And I'm so happy to be here.