I will not have an Elf on the Shelf in my house, ever.

Yes, that is a very strong way to start this off, but it is just a fact of the matter. First and foremost, I cannot be the only one to think this, but those little things creep me out. I don’t know what it is, maybe it is their face. It very well could be their lack of showings hands and feet, or it might be that the head is full plastic and the rest is like a stuffed animal. But with all of these, no way.

See, for me, while growing up I did not need an elf ‘watching over me,' and neither did my brother. We were both worried about Santa watching. That ‘threat’ within itself did us good. Our parents, I like to think, raised my brother and me to be well behaving and respectful, and basically the main goal of a good child. This might come as shocking, but it worked. And we did not need a creepy looking elf to watch us. Never once did we get coal for Christmas, so Santa thought we did well.

You have to move this elf, every day. It is supposed to do ‘bad things’ and basically make messes. I can make enough of a mess for me to clean up, and my husband is well, like any other man, house trained...but barely. We can make our own messes, and mixing our genes together is bound to make a messy child or two, or as he thinks, four children. So, if I want to have something that I need to move on a daily basis for a month, I will just move my husband’s shoes to the boot tray, every day and I can do that all year and sometimes even twice a day. That’s not hard to do.

On top of that, I would get to treat myself to turning on a light to see this basically a doll, with its creepy eyes, follow me wherever I am in the room. If I wanted to have a doll in my house with eyes that tend to follow you wherever you are, I will buy my girl(s) Barbie’s, Brats, Polly Pockets and whatever other dolls are on the market. These things are supposed to make a mess. I have seen so many times that people spill flower all over their floor, or spray out a bunch of shaving cream both of which represent snow. The last thing I want to put in their minds of ways to basically destroy the house if I (or their father) is not watching them.

I don’t want to walk out of the laundry room, or bathroom or really any room to walk into the kitchen to see flower everywhere being replicated as snow. Knowing how my husband and I both are, our kids will be enough of ‘handful’, they do not need any ideas put into their heads. Besides, isn’t the Dad’s main job is to put ‘bad ideas’ into the kid's heads?

You are supposed to keep your kids from touching it, or else it loses its magic. Ok cool. So, you are not only supposed to keep your child out of the tree and away from the Christmas decoration breakables, but from touching this doll. The thing looks like a toy. I’m sorry but as a parent, I will be doing more meaningful things than that with my child. Instead of hovering over them to keep them from touching this doll, I will instead actually get down on the floor and play with them. Play is the best way that children learn, mind you.

Santa has elves. Everyone knows that. But another reason I will never have one of these in my house because elves belong in the North Pole. Who else is going to help Santa make all of those toys and load the sleigh? Elf’s don’t just go out and watch over kids for Santa. It is impractical, especially for poor Santa. You do not go to the mall to see the elf, you go to the mall to see Santa, and if your lucky Mrs. Claus, and maybe a reindeer. You do not go to see an elf. They belong in the North Pole. Santa watches over all of the boys and girls, it’s even spelled out in the Christmas songs! Besides, the climate change would just wear the poor little guys out, not to mention the jet lag.

So, my kids will have Santa watching over them, and that will be all, the way it really is supposed to be. There will be no messy, bad acting, dressing up elf coming into my house and basically causing an unnecessary ruckus and putting bad ideas into my kid’s heads. No elf will be terrorising my house.