"How do I begin to move on?" Is a question I have been asked time and time again. Living with PTSD, I'm not sure I will ever find an answer. Moving on simply doesn't seem possible. Coping is a much more manageable way to live. I acknowledge that there are events and people that I have been forever changed by. The more that I openly embrace what I have endured, and who I have been acquainted with, my chances at coping sooner than later, are better.
Every day is different. The sources of my triggers remain the same; how I embody my reactions differs from day to day.
What made me cry yesterday, may cause me to nervous laugh or "crack-up" tomorrow. I live in a constant state of fight or flight. It's not functional, being genuinely triggered by things others may consider to be funny or "just politics".
My brain forces me to stay mindful of my traumas, so that my body is prepared in case I sense danger. I'm stuck in the moment I cried begging to move schools when I was younger, when I had just received the news that my boyfriend had passed tragically, when I got the call that a classmate had taken their life, when my dad starting showing symptoms of his brain injury, when I was on the floor overwhelmed by the realization that I had been sexually assaulted.....
I feel like my life has been both a story of unfortunate events, and an opportunity to fortunately address even the darkest of topics.
We can move on from people and periods of our lives, but not all. Some people will forever change your life for the better, whereas others will have a long-lasting negative effect on your life. Some periods throughout life are much easier to forget than others. The periods of time when we find ourselves just going through the motions, following patterns, are far easier to look past than periods of change. Whether the changes be positive and promote growth, or changes that negatively alter our lives.
Maybe that's just me reframing, but I feel confident that my writings and speaking about my traumas have helped at least some people in need. The mere idea of not being alone, would have saved me a lot of pain in my younger years. I never had someone be this open with me, and that is why I lay my life out on these pages.
I may never move on. I may never feel as if my world has begun to spin again. I'm still trying to find a way to be me, and not lose myself to the sadness.
I just want to feel progress, growth, healing, and support. Because some days, the sadness wins.... sometimes by a lot.