In this life, there aren't many things I can be sure of. The unquestionable parts of my existence have constantly overwhelmed me, making me wonder if any of what I'm doing is actually really worth it. When it comes to the major parts of my life such as relationships, friendships, school, and work, I have constantly run into the barrier of uncertainty. I often question if the connections I choose to build in my life are genuine, if the work I'm doing is enough, or if my purpose will ever truly be fulfilled.
When I try to confront these internal troubles head-on, I find myself in a spiral. I isolate myself, drawing back from all that is important to me while wallowing in my own anguish. With this, I've come to the conclusion that no one wants to be the one to pick me up.
The unintentional act of isolating myself has forced people away from me, leaving me to fend for myself, when all I ever truly needed was a shoulder. Thankfully, this feeling of having no one but myself, disappeared as you all came to my rescue. You have always and will always be the only ones to ever stay.
You all will always be the ones who can never be shaken.
Growing up, I was always extremely family oriented. We worked together, ate together and played together. Ultimately anything that life had to offer for us, we did together. As a child, I would always appreciate the feeling of togetherness, as any child would. But as a teenager... oh as a teenager, I often wished to be within my own company, doing my own thing, never to be bothered.
I yearned so badly for the freedom to do whatever I wanted, probably all the wrong things and around all the wrong company. Fortunately, this wasn't a concept my family considered to be acceptable, so I never got the chance to break away from what I thought was so confining. The funniest part about my wanting to be away, came when I turned 18 and away was what I got.
I moved here to Lexington to attend college. A time where I thought I would be invincible to anything life threw at me. After what seemed to be many long years, I was finally free. I was in my own world, with no rules and no discouragement for the wrong. I won't lie, a few weeks in I was just fine. I was supposedly doing what we would call "living our best lives unapologetically."
Until one day it hit.
One day the freedom didn't feel so free. One day the problems of life came crashing down heavy. When things started to go downhill, my relationships, grades, mental stability, I didn't know where to turn. Everything I touched seemed to fall apart and I wasn't sure where I could find solace.
Even now, I still feel the same ways. More now than then though, I question my purpose. I'm still just as stressed, I'm still equally worried. I still feel as though I'm on my own in this huge world. But what I'm just now realizing, that I didn't realize when I was a young dumb teenager, is that you have to turn to where you know there will never be a question.
What I did, to save myself is I turned to the one place, the four people, who I knew would never leave and who I could always be sure of. I chose to turn to the ones who have been here the entire time without complaint, protected me the entire time without hesitation, and have been my silent rock the entire time without a hint of weariness.
I turned to the ones who I have been knitted to my entire life. Not just by blood, but by choice. Everyone and I mean everyone, has the choice to stay or go, and my family chose to be a family, they chose to stay and engulf me in the tightness I had always tried to escape, but a tightness I now know, I will always need.
Even as I continue to travel an untouched road, unsure and a little bit discouraged, I will always know that I have a home to run to. I have four people to call my home. Four people I never have to question. Four people who will never leave.
You have been my solidarity, my unshakable bond, and my greatest support system.
What I never realized was the importance of a having a tight-knit connection, until I realized I was nothing without my people. Whether it be friendships or relationships, it's so important to have somewhere to run that is never a question. When my days are rough and my own world seems to be crashing, when I forget even who I am and I can't find the answers to who I want to be, the one thing I will always know for sure is that I will always have you all.
To my dad, who has provided for me endlessly. My mom, who has never let us go unappreciated. My sister, who has been my greatest friend. And my brother, who has been more selfless than anyone I'll ever know.
