A Month After She Killed Herself

Today, there is a pain in your chest and you swear that it’ll never fade. You act as if this feeling doesn’t phase you. But in your mind there’s a war taking place. And today you’ll go home and unleash the hurricane forming in your eyes. You sit at the edge of your bed with one that stands between you, and your last sign of life. You’re trembling, you lift the blade and lightly drift it across your fragile, pale skin. You take one deep breath and close your eyes.

Yesterday was the last day you swore you’d be on this earth. You noticed so much detail in everything, the glistening light in people’s eyes, to the sound of the leaves blowing in the wind. You’re walking to school in the morning and you felt a slight feeling of resilience. You were trying to embrace every last breath you had. Sadly you couldn’t because depressions manipulative ways influenced you to do different.

This week you decide to stay to yourself, hoping nobody will notice you. Being invisible helps you go through the motions. Because you know soon it will be a reality. You dwell on it to an extent it’s unhealthy. So you plug in your headphones, and grab for your pencil and notepad for your temporary escape. Art is your second nature, you spend endless time trying to perfect your work. Art work that will be admired for a significant time, because it’s your piece.

This month I have gone day by day, one day at a time. Slowly dragging on with my limp body, and my dignity. I find myself accumulating a plan for my final moments. Gathering objects such as notes, pictures, and memories. I experience a sensation rush over me like the water over the rocks at niagara falls. It’s peaceful and it happens so suddenly and all at once. I have finally found “my way out.”

This school year has been a whole new chapter in my life. I have met teachers and expressed my past with them, trusted them, grew close to them. So why do i question my power to get up every morning. I lay in bed staring at the ceiling, looking at the walls and feeling a security inside this fortuitous. I don’t wanna leave and go out into the light where I can be hurt. I want to stay where I know I have complete control of what happens.

Sitting on my floor with my head in my hands, my mind is swarming. I finally form a thought, this is it. Im finally going to take action to terminate my endless pain with a permanent solution. I know that my parents, and a few people will be shook by the tragedy. I hope they can possibly find a way to cope without me being here. As I feel every single stroke of the pen rolling across the paper it begins to become surreal.

And that was it, In seconds my life was over. And I had complete control over it.

You see, she was wrong. Not only were a few people distraught, the whole student body walked through the senior high halls with heavy hearts. The news had practically been blasted through the school speakers. She was a beautiful girl with gorgeous eyes,and compassion, but also sadly a fragile and broken self concept.

We live today for her, fight for the love we had for her, power through this loss together.