My Crusade Against Microwave Popcorn

It's finals week, and stuff is crazy, so I am going on a crusade against microwave popcorn. You know why? Because you deserve better than those cancerous, gross, pieces of mattress foam. You are worth it.

Honestly, anyone who says that microwave popcorn is better than stove-top popcorn obviously hasn't tried it, hasn't seen the promised land, hasn't tasted perfect buttered perfection that actually becomes addictive. It's okay, guys. I was there too. My boyfriend tried to get me to try it, to make it, but it just seemed too hard, too laborious, too much like a cinemaplex. I am a college student at the end of spring semester. I don't want to have to work for my popped corn. Why do you think I spend so much of my money on Taco Bell? But y'all, it's faster than popping it in the microwave.

Because I'm basically a pro now, I can make you a whole bowl of popped corn in under five minutes, including washing out the pot and adding seasoning. And compared to the whole hassle of burning yourself when you take the popcorn out of the microwave and whispering a prayer to the gods of grains that you didn't burn it, you have total control over everything that happens to your delicious bites. Every grain of salt, every drop of butter is under your control.

Now, I know, I know. Y'all are probably thinking that you don't need to control all of that, you're perfectly fine with just living with what you get, because that's what we were told when we were young: you get what you get and you don't pitch a fit. At least that's what I was told when my sister traded my toy with hers so that she got the better one. But guys. You can get better. You do not have to accept subpar seasoning and butter that sticks to the roof of your mouth in the absolute worse way possible, you can get lickable stuff that makes you so happy and makes the calories and sodium so worth it.

And I didn't want to go there, but I'm going there. I went and saw "Infinity Wars" last night, God bless, and not to be that girl, but the popcorn that I cook at home is way better than the popcorn I got at the movie theater. Just saying.