Listen up, men: today's trends are too fleeting to be worth your notice. Stay away from man-buns, undercuts, washboard abs, and rompers. Here are ten reasons why it's time to focus on attaining great calves.
1. They make a good first impression.Giphy
The phrase "put your best foot forward" doesn't exist for nothing. The calves are an eye-catching part of the body, and a well-kept calf is like a firm handshake: it tells people that you're determined, professional, humorous, good with kids, bookish, and every other personable quality that you can determine accurately when you base your first impressions of people off one physical characteristic.
2. They're patriotic.
You love your country? Then get yourself some great calves. Need more convincing? Well, this painting is patriotic. There are many well-defined calves in it. I rest my case.
3. There's a long history behind appreciating great calves.
Hearken to the olden times, before the ages of the selfie stick, when even the richest and most powerful citizens of this land had but a few visual documentations of their existence. Now, what do these portraits have in common? That's right: great calves. Men of ages past knew how they wanted to be remembered, and it involved the legacy of their calves living on.
4. Self-presentation is even more important in the digital age!
A couple hundred years have come and gone, and we've moved from portraits to portrait mode. The ease and frequency with which we can share pictures of ourselves with others just goes to prove how important calf upkeep is. Your life is being constantly documented, and the last thing you need is getting tagged in another un-calf-flattering photo on Facebook. Calf work is worth it: that Instagram story may disappear after 24 hours, but your well-formed legs will live in your followers' minds long after.
5. They lead to success.
George Washington had famously attractive calves, and he was a six-star general and our nation's first president. Coincidence? I think not.
(If you know anything about the history of the painting pictured above, you will know that Washington would have realistically been sitting down in the boat. However, Emanuel Leutze was not factually misinformed when painting this piece of our nation's history. He wanted to give credit where credit was due: calves. Wake up, America. Washington led the colonists, and calves led Washington.)
6. Having great calves is probably healthy or something...
7. Bad calves have sordid connections.
Do you see this statue of Thomas Jefferson? Do you see how his calves are partially covered by his coat? We can therefore surmise that Jefferson was likely lacking in the calf department.
Furthermore, are you aware that, in the words of Daveed Diggs, "[Jefferson] sucked!"? There's a pattern, people.
8. Even like, the non-muscle calves are cool.
If you happen to bring up your calves in conversation, even a misunderstanding can be beneficial. Observe the exchange below:
Dan: "Oh yeah, I been working on my calves a lot lately."
Karen: "Wow, it's so nice to hear you work with animals! Calves are so cute! Although no calf could be as pleasing to the eye as the dashing figure you cut."
There's just no way to lose.
9. You can show off without looking like a show-off!
We've all been around him before. The try-hard. The guy who is always looking for an opportunity to take off his shirt, believing flexing his abs is the key to social and romantic eminence. The truth is, what you really want is to show off without ever entering the danger zone of becoming the dreaded try-hard.
A calf-centric sense of self-worth will help you establish yourself with class and subtlety. All you have to do to show off your calves is to wear shorts, skinny jeans, or knee breeches. Throw a slightly jaunty stance in there, and hello good fellow your way into a "Pride and Prejudice" leading role.
10. They will give you pun-derful opportunities.
On days when you're particularly feeling yourself, you can refer to your greatest accomplishments as "the golden calves." Or if your friend wants to grab coffee because they're calf asleep, you can suggest going to that calf-e you like, even if you only want something de-calf-feinated.
If you're ready to take on this new lifestyle, there's no need to be intimidated. To paraphrase Teddy Roosevelt, if you believe you can, you're calfway there.