10 Reasons Men Need Great Calves

10 Reasons Men Need Great Calves

6. It's probably healthy or something...

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Listen up, men: today's trends are too fleeting to be worth your notice. Stay away from man-buns, undercuts, washboard abs, and rompers. Here are ten reasons why it's time to focus on attaining great calves.

1. They make a good first impression.

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The phrase "put your best foot forward" doesn't exist for nothing. The calves are an eye-catching part of the body, and a well-kept calf is like a firm handshake: it tells people that you're determined, professional, humorous, good with kids, bookish, and every other personable quality that you can determine accurately when you base your first impressions of people off one physical characteristic.

2. They're patriotic.

You love your country? Then get yourself some great calves. Need more convincing? Well, this painting is patriotic. There are many well-defined calves in it. I rest my case.

3. There's a long history behind appreciating great calves.

Hearken to the olden times, before the ages of the selfie stick, when even the richest and most powerful citizens of this land had but a few visual documentations of their existence. Now, what do these portraits have in common? That's right: great calves. Men of ages past knew how they wanted to be remembered, and it involved the legacy of their calves living on.

4. Self-presentation is even more important in the digital age!

A couple hundred years have come and gone, and we've moved from portraits to portrait mode. The ease and frequency with which we can share pictures of ourselves with others just goes to prove how important calf upkeep is. Your life is being constantly documented, and the last thing you need is getting tagged in another un-calf-flattering photo on Facebook. Calf work is worth it: that Instagram story may disappear after 24 hours, but your well-formed legs will live in your followers' minds long after.

5. They lead to success.

George Washington had famously attractive calves, and he was a six-star general and our nation's first president. Coincidence? I think not.

(If you know anything about the history of the painting pictured above, you will know that Washington would have realistically been sitting down in the boat. However, Emanuel Leutze was not factually misinformed when painting this piece of our nation's history. He wanted to give credit where credit was due: calves. Wake up, America. Washington led the colonists, and calves led Washington.)

6. Having great calves is probably healthy or something...

7. Bad calves have sordid connections.

Do you see this statue of Thomas Jefferson? Do you see how his calves are partially covered by his coat? We can therefore surmise that Jefferson was likely lacking in the calf department.

Furthermore, are you aware that, in the words of Daveed Diggs, "[Jefferson] sucked!"? There's a pattern, people.

8. Even like, the non-muscle calves are cool.

If you happen to bring up your calves in conversation, even a misunderstanding can be beneficial. Observe the exchange below:

Dan: "Oh yeah, I been working on my calves a lot lately."

Karen: "Wow, it's so nice to hear you work with animals! Calves are so cute! Although no calf could be as pleasing to the eye as the dashing figure you cut."

There's just no way to lose.

9. You can show off without looking like a show-off!

We've all been around him before. The try-hard. The guy who is always looking for an opportunity to take off his shirt, believing flexing his abs is the key to social and romantic eminence. The truth is, what you really want is to show off without ever entering the danger zone of becoming the dreaded try-hard.

A calf-centric sense of self-worth will help you establish yourself with class and subtlety. All you have to do to show off your calves is to wear shorts, skinny jeans, or knee breeches. Throw a slightly jaunty stance in there, and hello good fellow your way into a "Pride and Prejudice" leading role.

10. They will give you pun-derful opportunities.

On days when you're particularly feeling yourself, you can refer to your greatest accomplishments as "the golden calves." Or if your friend wants to grab coffee because they're calf asleep, you can suggest going to that calf-e you like, even if you only want something de-calf-feinated.

If you're ready to take on this new lifestyle, there's no need to be intimidated. To paraphrase Teddy Roosevelt, if you believe you can, you're calfway there.

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To The Boy Who Will Love Me Next

If you can't understand these few things, leave before things get too involved
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To the boy that will love me next, I need you to know and understand things about me and my past. The things I have been though not only have shaped the person I’ve become, but also sometimes controls my life. In the past I’ve been used, abused, and taken for granted, and I want something real this time. The guys before you were just boys; they didn’t know how to treat me until it was too late. They didn’t understand how to love me, until I broke my own heart. Before you truly decide to love me I want you to understand these things.

When I tell you something, please listen.

I’m my own person, I want to be loved a certain way. If I ask you to come over and watch movies with me please do it, if I ask for you to leave me alone for a few hours because it’s a girl’s night please do it. I don’t just say things to hear my own voice, I say things to you because it’s important to my life and the way I want to be loved. I’m not a needy person when it comes to being loved and cared for, but I do ask for you to do the small things that I am say.

Forgive my past.

My past is not a pretty brick road, it is a highway that has a bunch of potholes and cracks in it. I have a lot of baggage, and most of it you won’t understand. But don’t let my past decided whether you want to love me or not. My past has helped form who I am today, but it does not define who I am. My past experiences might try and make an appearance every once in a while, but I will not go back to that person I once was, I will not return to all that hurt I once went though. When I say those things, I’m telling the complete and honest truth. I relive my past every day, somethings haunt me and somethings are good reminds. But for you to love me, I need you to accept my past, present and future.

I’m just another bro to the other guys.

I have always hung out with boys, I don’t fit in with the girl groups. I have 10 close girlfriends, but the majority of my friends are guy, but don’t let this scare you. If I wanted to be with one of my guy friends I would already be with him, and if you haven’t noticed I don’t want them because I’m with you. I will not lose my friendships with all my guy friends to be able to stay with you. I will not cut off ties because you don’t like my guy friends. I have lost too many buddies because of my ex-boyfriends and I promised myself I wouldn’t do that again. If you don’t like how many guy friends I have you can leave now. Don’t bother trying to date me if you can accept the fact I’m just another bro.

I might be a badass, but I actually have a big heart.

To a lot of people I come off to be a very crazy and wild girl. I will agree I can be crazy and wild, but I’m more than that. I’m independent, caring, responsible, understanding, forgiving, and so such more type of woman. Many people think that I’m a badass because I don’t take any negatively from anyone. Just like we learned when we were younger, “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it at all.” Most people can’t do that in today’s world, so I stick up for myself and my friends. I don’t care what anyone thinks about me, or their option on how I live my life. The only thing I care about is being able to make myself happy. Even though I’m an independent woman, understand that I do have a big heart. Honesty when I truly care for someone I will do just about anything they ask, but don’t take advantage of this. Once you take advantage of this part of me, all respect will be lost for you.

I’m hard to love.

Sometimes I want to be cuddle and get attention, and sometimes I don’t want you to talk to me for a couple hours. Sometimes I want you to take me out for a nice meal, but sometimes I want a home cooked meal. Every day is different for me, sometimes I change my mind every hour. My mood swings are terrible on certain days, and on those days you should probably just ignore me. I’m not easy to love, so you’ll either be willing to find a way to love me, or you’ll walk out like so many others have.

I’m scared.

I’m scared to love someone again. I’ve been hurt, heartbroken, and beat to the ground in my past relationships. I want to believe you are different, I want to hope things will truly work out, but every relationship has always ended up the same way. I’m scared to trust someone, put my whole heart into them, just to be left and heartbroken again. I sick and tired of putting my whole body and soul into someone for them to just leave when it is convenient for them. If you want to love me, understand it won’t be easy for me to love you back.

When “I’m done.”

When I say “I’m done” I honestly don’t mean that I’m done. When I say that it means I need and want you to fight for me, show me why you want to be with me. I need you to prove that I’m worth it and there’s no one else but me. If I was truly done, I would just walk away, and not come back. So if I ever tell you, “I’m done,” tell me all the reasons why I’m truly not done.

For the boy who will love me next, the work is cut out for you, you just have to be willing to do it. I’m not like other girls, I am my own person, and I will need to be treated as such. For the boy that will love me next, don’t bother with me unless you really want to be with me. I don’t have time to waste on you if you aren’t going to try and make something out of us. To the boy who will love me next, the last thing I would like to say is good luck, I have faith in you.

Cover Image Credit: Danielle Balint

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I Sorted The 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine' Characters Into Their Hogwarts Houses

Ever wonder where each character would fall? Look no further.

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I recently started watching Brooklyn Nine-Nine and I thought about how their personalities overlap quite nicely with the four Hogwarts houses, so I did a little research. I looked up to see if other people had seen this comparison too, and I wasn't let down. While the few posts I read did line up characters with one of the four houses from Harry Potter, I disagreed with many of their pairings. Taking their points into account, I made my own list I think the Sorting Hat itself would agree with!

Jake Peralta - GRYFFINDOR

There's no doubt about this one. Jake is a goofball while also being a very good detective. A lot of his pranks and shenanigans remind me of the Weasley twins and I'm sure I'm not the only one. Gryffindor is known for their bravery, and Jake consistently fights to protect his friends and coworkers, not to mention all of Brooklyn.

Captain Ray Holt - RAVENCLAW

Captain Holt is resourceful and knowledgeable, probably because he's had a lot of experience. As the show progresses and the characters get closer, he starts to show his more fun and competitive side. That being said, he usually sticks to being monotone and having a cold and serious demeanor.

Gina Linetti - SLYTHERIN

Gina is honestly one of my favorite characters. She tells it like it is–at least, how she sees it–and doesn't apologize for being herself. Slytherins are very much about self-preservation and taking care of yourself before others, which is what Gina typically does. She's manipulative to get things to go her way, but it's (almost) always for the greater good of the 99.

Charles Boyle - HUFFLEPUFF

This is in no sense meant to be derogatory: Hufflepuffs are often painted in a negative light, but Charles is Hufflepuff through and through. He is a little odd but we love him anyway. He is a gentleman who cares very much for his friends and is very loyal to the precinct. Boyle jumping in front of a coworker to take a bullet–or two–exemplifies this perfectly.

Sergeant Terry Jeffords - GRYFFINDOR

While Terry goes through periods where he seems to be the most cowardly of them all–which is for comedic effect, obviously, because Terry Crews is a large, buff man–he always overcomes his fears and often saves the day. He embodies what a true Gryffindor is in his bravery and leadership.

Amy Santiago - RAVENCLAW

She strives for the approval of her Captain and is usually the only one thinking logically. She's smart and resourceful, while at times being extremely competitive. Ravenclaw's value education and learning, which is exactly what Amy wants. She seeks the Captain as a mentor and is always trying to best Jake and the others with the next bet.

Rosa Diaz - SLYTHERIN

She is secretive and cunning, but mostly she's a badass. Slytherins are best known for their ambition and cunning, but they're also known for having a high need for self-preservation. This instinct can also be extended to close friends and family, as seen with the Malfoy family. Rosa does what is best for herself and doesn't let anyone push her–or her coworkers/friends–around.

Scully & Hitchcock - SLYTHERIN

At first, I was going to sort both Hitchcock and Scully into Hufflepuff, then I found a Reddit post that convinced me otherwise. These two definitely give off Crabbe and Goyle vibes, back when Malfoy would joke about them stuffing their faces and not knowing if they could read.

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