Counseling appointments are usually pretty easy and breezy for me, and I figured today’s would be pretty stiff, as I was to see a new counselor today. But two minutes into my appointment I’d used half her box of tissues. We certainly wasted no time getting into the thick of things.

After I spoke with her about what I’d been going through with my other counselor, she came to a very quick conclusion: “It sounds like you feel you have something to prove.” It didn’t take long after that for the tears to come.

Shortly after my appointment, some ideas for a poem came to mind, which is unusual, because poetry is not my forte. Nonetheless, here is my heart in prose.

Your worth is not the difference between

calories out and calories in.

Your weight-conscious self-loathing is not self-awareness.

It’s an addiction

To “I’m not good enough,”

To “I’ll never be good enough,”

To these thoughts that keep you secluded,

To “It’s not worth it,”

To “I cannot,”

To a thought life depressed and deluded.

My battle is weight. I can’t seem to shake

The thought that my love must be earned

By my labor,

By shrinking from the size I am

To a size much more acceptable,

To a size more socially favored.

But shame is shame whether

It is worn by weight, or grades, or

A forgetfulness to pray

Or a falling short in any way.

Shame is the voice that tells us that

We must be blameless before we can see God,

That He demands perfection and will not look upon a blemished face.

Perfection is a noble aspiration,

But your worth is not predicated upon your performance.

Your worth comes from a much more intimate place.

Who am I to say that Christ died for nothing?

To claim to be a bigger wreck than God can redeem?

To deny that His sacrifice can cover my failure?

Who can say that His love is not big enough?

There is no shortcoming so great

As to cancel out the love of the sinless Savior.

Because

God knew that you could not be perfect,

That you would fall short of His glory

As His Son hung on the cross,

So it must not be for your effort,

Your striving, your perfection,

That He suffered that loss.

I will still work hard to honor God with my body

But I will understand that I am meant to walk with God

Toward a sound mind, toward loving Him and myself better.

Because

Barbie does not decide what Barbie is worth -

Mattel does.