I have been born and raised in Massachusetts, and as such I feel that I'm a pretty good authority on what does and does not dictate Massachusetts status. Massachusetts is the homeland of most somewhat down-to-earth celebrities (seriously, look it up. Not Claire Danes, though), but that has absolutely nothing to do with this article. Anyway, here's your listicle.

1. This!

There's nothing quite like the initial thrill that accompanies seeing this as you enter Massachusetts!

2. That!

Which "W" town do I pick? The suspense is killing me!

3. This One!

It's a bird! It's a plane! No! It's a decrepit yet historically rich and meaningful baseball field!

4. That One!

Looks like you didn't choose Wellesley. Good choice! Get ready to get swept up in gang violence or enjoy our lovely, more Jewish areas. Either way, you will be killed if you pronounce it wrong.

5. Lookie Here, See!

Are you going here to check out colleges? If not, what are you doing here? But if so, the residents of this town would be more than dismayed to direct you to the college of your choice. This is true whether you're a first-generation college student trying your best or a smart, young lesbian who just can't wait to get her first vaguely yonic flower tattoo on her wrist.

6. Lookie There, See!

Enter for the chance to eat just-below-mediocre burgers, and one lucky customer will get the opportunity to verbally abuse Mark Wahlberg's mother while she wears a Yankees jersey!

7. Take A Look—See Over Here!

If you see this, a word to the wise: turn around!

8. Take A Look—See Over There!

In Salem, you'll expect a spooky town with witches' ghosts flying about left and right, but you'll find a disappointing mall and a girl with dyed jet-black hair getting a tramp stamp of a broomstick that she will inevitably regret two years later.

9. Isn't This Sign Riveting?

If I die here, so help me, God.

10. Isn't That Sign Riveting?

My life is like the movie "Speed" with Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves, but instead of not being able to slow the bus down without it exploding, I'm unable to go without a breakfast sandwich for a week or else my body will forcibly eject my intestines.

11. It's A Sign!

And what a sign it is.