I'm not really sure what to write about right now because life has been a little bit all over the place, which makes sense when I remember that Mars is in retrograde. A small catalogue of my crises are listed below:
First of all, I'm feeling a little homesick, because I lived at home for almost six months and now I'm back at school, alone. I'm not alone because I have my roommates and friends who I love very much, but still I am an adult now, which means that I have to go grocery shopping and do laundry, which are normally things you do alone. I really knew I was an adult when I wrote an essay last night instead of hanging out with my friends, which is a choice I wouldn't have made a year or two ago, but one I find myself making now.
Secondly, I'm getting down on myself because I'm not the present of a club, and people are telling me that I have to be the president of a club in order to get a job in today's economy. The issue is that I don't like clubs, because there is always some sort of sub-club, some sort clique within the group, because that's just how college kids are sometimes. I haven't cared that much about a club to want to be its president, and anyways I don't think I would be voted the president because no one really knows my name. I guess that means I won't get a job, but maybe that isn't the worst thing in the world.
Thirdly I have always struggled with free time, because not being productive or busy makes me very anxious. I'm not good at sitting down and watching TV, or sitting down and reading a book, because all the sudden I start convincing myself that I don't have enough friends. So in response I try to avoid any possibility of free time by applying to things I don't even want to do, and at the end of the day I still don't have enough time to do my homework or wash my dishes or call my friend.
Fourthly, Mars is in retrograde until November 13th, which is a really long time for Mars to be in retrograde. My astrology app told me that when Mars is in retrograde, nothing is as it seems and it is hard to find clarity. As if that is what I need right now, less clarity. People say astrology isn't real but then how would they explain my life, which also seems to be in retrograde. It's not that I'm walking backwards through space it's just that I'm still in space, and I want to come down but it's not really working out that way yet.
But I have to say that Mars being in retrograde isn't the worse thing in the world because a lack of clarity is also refreshing, sort of like rain. It makes everything blurry for a while which gives you time to rest until the universe figures everything out and the sun comes back. There's also a lot of freedom in not knowing about yourself or where you're going, and I don't think it's something I want to be afraid of anymore.