Adulthood feels like a waiting game of hitting milestones. From those milestones -- graduating from some school, getting involved with the "right" person, getting that first big job, having children, and so on and so forth -- comes transition. Transitions and change have a way of showing us who matters and where our priorities lie. I've found the biggest changes to come from my interactions, connections, and relationships with people. So, what moments make or break our relationships? When do we realize who our friends are and who they are not?
When You Are Going Through A Break Up
Friends go through a break up with you. The soon-to-be-not-friends are the first people to invalidate your feelings and demand you to get over it. They won't want to hear it. Instead of helping the healing and moving on process, they will disrupt it. Your ride-or-die friends. are the first ones to say "fuck that dude/gal!" They will tweet at your ex while taking you out on the town to dance away the sadness from your relationship finale. This is a moment when a friend shows their patience and compassion.
When You Graduate From High School
In high school, no one knows who they are or who they want to be so those friends who make it through that time with you, will probably be your friend forever. Many high school "friendships" end up being superficial because friends are tethered to family while also striving to get into college or onto the next stage in their life. High school is not about living in the present, but rather, preparing for a future. So maybe those high school friends, go on to be great friends to their college friends! Here's to hoping.
When You Finish College
Similar to high school, but more adult. After college, people leave and start their careers in different cities or countries. It's hard to keep track and stay in touch. Friendships change -- some becoming long distance, some others get stronger because of where you land, and others fade. Life loses all structure so priorities fill the schedule.
When Either Of You Start Seeing Someone
It's natural to enjoy a relationship bubble at the start, but much of the time that creates tension with friends. Lucky for me, I am too busy nowadays to notice when a friend as disappeared into a love bubble and most of the time, I am also too busy being happy for them (and relieved for me) to worry about where we stand. Friendships tend to rebound after a few months of quiet from a bustling new beau, but sometimes, it is also a way of weeding out the friends who are committed to making time and the friends who aren't.
When You Begin A New Job
Jobs can get crazy. While you don't have homework, you also don't have those long vacations that high school and college provided which means far less time to socialize. Patience is key when anyone starts a job. There is a learning curve, anxiety, and plenty of pressure to succeed. Some friends won't stick around to go through the ups and downs of the working world or they will be dealing with their own life chaos.
Your social life may start to look like this:
When You Move Somewhere Else
New beginnings, new beginnings, new beginnings. It's tough to keep in touch when those friends aren't in your daily life because of geography. These friendships become dormant and passive, but easily can be activated when in a similar location.
Every Damn Day
When I began writing this list, I was thinking about all the pivots in life when I felt a profound shift and subsequent loss of friendships. But I have also thought about how every single day, I have felt supported, encouraged, and loved by a friend or two. My most magical friend and one of my favorite people and I have lived an ocean apart for almost a year, but I don't notice it because I know where we stand. A secure friendship allows individuals to grow without growing apart.
People come in and out through all stages in life. Some people reappear and some are a blip in your memory. What is always changing are our priorities. At some points in our lives, friends will come first. At other points, it will be a career. But if we consistently try to connect with the people in our present, we can't go wrong. Let go and let grow, as I always tell myself.
