A father is suppose to be their daughters first love. You were the very first man to ever break my heart, before any boy had the chance. You have been in and out of life like it's a faraway restaurant you like but only enjoy from time to time. Kind of messed up, isn't it?
You have blamed not being around me on not wanting to be around my mother. But if you truly care about someone you find a way to be there for them. Or at least put pettiness behind you like a grown male adult. Truth is I'm not the first kid you did this to. I have two older half sisters. When was the last time you talked to them? Do you even feel guilty, hurt? How do you walk around head held high, might I add, also sick (kidney failure). Not wanting or putting effort into those who are blood.
There was good times. Good memories. Good years. All short lived though. Constantly You walked out on me like a revolving door. Never the decency to comment on as to why. I'm older now, and I still can't get commitment from you.
When I was only sixteen I wrote you a message saying, "I understand.. I'm sorry I'm such a hassle apparently.. I'm sorry I try and try and get no where.. I'm sorry I'm a burden.. Sorry I'm not one of Karen's perfect kids.. I'm sorry I'm your kid.. I'm sorry I've spent countless nights crying myself to sleep for a father that could care less about me.. I'm sorry you have to pay child support.. I'm sorry I'm not good enough.. I'm not sorry I'm speaking my mind. I'm not sorry you have missed important events in my life. I'm DONE begging for attention. I'm done caring for someone that doesn't care about me. If you want to be a real father fucking try. Try to the point something happens. I know you're going through something hard right now (his sickness) but you know what, this has been going on my whole damn life. I'm a person with feelings don't you understand that. I'm YOUR daughter. I'm half of you. Part of you that you ditch to the side. I hope your happy. I hope not a day goes by you don't feel guilt.". You stayed around only showing interest for a bit after that.
This past year I called and cried to you, mom and I were fighting. I came to you and you were there for me. It was nice while it lasted. You took me to the school I'd be attending but I got scared. One, It was too ghetto/city for me. Two, I feared for my life, (It's not that bad, but it is to some one who has been in only country known schools). So I backed out, wanted to go back home. You didn't take it lightly. When I got most of my bags inside, I came back out for the last of it , gave you back your house key after you had asked for it, and said "I'm sorry" again. you peeled out of the drive way like teenage boy filled with anger, not caring. I bawled my eyes out that night. You haven't said a thing to me since. Some time passed, during the holidays I texted you "Merry Christmas", You never answered. So when It came time for your birthday I realized I'm done being the one that has always put in effort so I stayed silent. I'm the kid, I'm the one that's suppose to make mistakes you forgive.
You sure do make time and do anything for your STEP children, oddly. I have always cried and said "Why does he not want me", "Why am I not good enough", "When will he care". You have missed out on so much of my life. SO many of my firsts. Facts are though, growing older as surely matured me. I don't need you. I don't need someone who half asses important relationships. I do wish you change eventually, before it's too late. Now I'll be eighteen soon, do I even send you the graduation invite/announcement? Will you be around when I get married, have kids? Do you even want to be? As I said when I was sixteen, If you want to be a real father, try.
