We live in a world that expects us to know what we want, to have it all figured out by the age of 20. Now let me tell you, that is not possible. I'm so confused with who I am, I don't know what I want and I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I guess that these feelings are okay to have but they aren't very helpful. I want to figure this all out.
For as long as I can remember I've held this attraction towards women and women only, both physical and emotional. I've only dated them, besides the few 'boyfriends' I had in elementary school haha. I thought I knew exactly what I wanted. In high school I came out to all of my friends as gay and shortly after graduating I came out to my family. They weren't shocked at all so that made me think that this was really what I had wanted. If everyone already knew, it had to be right. I went on to college and started a relationship that lasted for a short amount of time, but it was with a girl. I went to an all girls college so I was surrounded by them, I thoroughly enjoyed it at the time. I left this relationship because something in me changed, I no longer had the ability to connect emotionally and that was a huge problem. You can't be in a relationship with no emotional connection, it just doesn't work that way. It had been months and I just thought that I needed to focus on myself but I'm not quite sure if that is what it was. I took the time that I needed but it still wasn't there. I started talking to this new girl and things were going really well but again, I just wasn't able to connect. It was so frustrating and it still is.
This leads us to where I am now. Single and so damn confused. I know that I'm still attracted to women but I'm unable to connect. As wild as this may sound I'm beginning to question if I'm not actually gay. Maybe there's some attraction towards men but I have yet to fully explore that. I've tried tinder and I've matched with plenty of people but I'm so scared to try anything because it goes against what I thought I knew for so long. What if I find a guy that I'm attracted to? I know labels are stupid but if I'm out telling everyone that I'm gay what would they say about me dating a guy? I don't know. I'm so confused, but I'm open to explore and that's what I'm going to do.
I'm nervous because of the hate that I may or may not get, but I'm going to do it anyway. If I do find some attraction in a guy that has to be okay. It WILL be okay.
