A few years ago, my dad started to lose himself. We noticed him go from a hands-on dad, to someone we didn't even recognize. At first, his anxiety seemed to stem from working in Law Enforcement. After all, being a detective for over twenty-five years can certainly spark anxiety and impulsiveness, but after noticing his memory lacking, we decided to seek professional help. Here we are three years later with only the presumption that the challenges he is manifesting are from Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy (CTE). His college football career could have ruined his life but I refuse to let him live with these symptoms without my love and support. Below is a list of ways I will continue to show love to my dad through this difficult time.
I will always say I love you
Even when he gets angry or depressed, I will say "I love you." Although his brain may be altered, after saying those three words I often see glimmers of the old him. I will always be here for him to let him know he is not going through this alone. I won't pretend like I know what he is going through, because I don't. But I do know that he will never have to face his fears alone.
I will be patient
When he gets anxious in loud places or timid in front of people because he can't form thoughts quick enough, I will be there to take a step back with him and let him know he can do it. I will help him organize his thoughts and do so patiently. His brain can no longer process information quickly, so when he meets new people or gets involved in a conversation, he becomes so overwhelmed his first instinct is to get angry with himself because he can't think fast enough. I now notice before he lashes out when he is getting too overwhelmed in public. He rubs his thumb and index fingers together when he starts to get stressed. When I see this, I will be there to lessen that stress by changing the topic of discussion to something he loves talking about like fishing or hunting :)
I will focus on his strengths
Sometimes all it takes to brighten my dad's mood is the word "Fishing". When I notice he isn't in the best mood I will be there to let him know he is the best fisherman I know. I will ask him to take me fishing out on our pond behind the house. It is there where I see the real him. I won't ask him too many questions (he gets annoyed with me) but just a few to compliment him on his knowledge of fishing. And even though he had to medically retire from the force, I will let him know that he will always be my hero. I will always laugh at his jokes, even if they aren't so funny. Growing up, my dad always knew how to make everyone around him laugh. While his humor hasn't been so apparent lately, I will be here to remind him of how much he makes me laugh.
I will be understanding
As hard as it is to watch him change into someone I don't know, I will do my best to understand that his brain is no longer his brain. When it seems like he is being lazy, selfish, impolite, or angry, I will try and remember that his brain is malfunctioning and he has no control. I will remember that apathy and agitation are side effects of his medication. When his thought processes seems crazy and he begins to angrily rant, I will be understanding and try to calm him by talking through things with him. Sometimes his words and thoughts scare me. He will sometimes break down in tears in the middle of a store or in the car but I will remain calm and offer my love and support to him.
I will be present
I know that he no longer enjoys company. He has become so isolated but I will be patient with him and make sure he knows how much his presence means to me. When he doesn't remember my birthday or other holidays like mother's day and his anniversary, I will be there to patiently remind him. I will let him know that it is okay that he can't remember and help him in any way that I can. Being frustrated with his shortfalls is something I will work on. Sometimes, his interpretations of his life events are made up but in his mind, they are very true. I will not say he is wrong, but instead, be thankful that he tried and commend his story.
I thank God every day for the love and support my family has shown me throughout my life and ask for His guidance to portray that same support and love for my dad through this difficult time. I also praise my mom for everything she has done for my dad to evaluate his condition by taking him to weekly doctors' appointments out of town and becoming educated on how to love someone with a brain disease. Without her, I'm not sure where our family would be. I hope this article provides support to anyone who may be going through something similar with a loved one. I know I can never fix my dad but my goal is to hold everything together as long as possible.
